I Don’t Always Feel Compassion for My Autistic Child, and That’s Totally Fine

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A while back, I shared a particularly challenging moment involving my son’s meltdown with my therapist. She looked at me with kindness and said, “Focus on compassion during these tough times.” Honestly, I wanted to ask her if she was out of her mind. My son has autism, and on days like that, it takes every ounce of strength I have to keep my cool. His meltdowns are not just simple tantrums; they’re full-on chaos. After he’s spent 30 minutes screaming, hitting, and kicking, all he really wants is a hug and some comfort from me. The only way I can manage to stay calm is by stepping back from the emotional whirlwind. That distance is what allows me to respond with kindness, even when it feels impossible.

But as time passed, I found myself reflecting on her advice. Is it really wrong to detach in those moments? Should I prioritize compassion immediately after the storm has passed, or is it okay to express my own feelings of frustration? What does it even mean to show compassion when someone is yelling at you like they’re possessed?

After a lot of thinking, I reached a few conclusions:

1. Therapists without kids might want to think twice before giving parenting advice,
2. Those without experience dealing with autism should definitely tread carefully in that area, and
3. Seriously, no thanks to that advice.

While the idea of “focusing on compassion” sounds nice in theory, there are times when it just isn’t realistic. Sometimes, merely getting through a meltdown requires every bit of mental strength. Sure, later on, it may help to reflect on my child’s experience with compassion, but it’s equally important to acknowledge my own emotions too. Ignoring my feelings and solely concentrating on my child’s needs isn’t healthy. Parenting is all about balancing our feelings with those of our children. By recognizing my frustration, anger, or even sadness, I can process those emotions and move on. This not only makes me feel better, but it also helps me be a more effective parent. The notion that we should only focus on compassion can sometimes dismiss the validity of our feelings as parents, and that just isn’t right.

I truly value compassion and strive to incorporate it into my parenting. But I believe it’s possible to act compassionately without necessarily feeling it in the moment. During those chaotic meltdowns, I show compassion by holding it together, detaching from the emotional storm, and riding it out. I express my love the moment the meltdown subsides by welcoming my son with open arms. Regardless of how drained or upset I feel, what truly matters is how I respond, and that’s a lesson I hope to pass on to my children.

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In summary, it’s perfectly normal not to feel compassion all the time when navigating the challenges of parenting an autistic child. Acknowledging our own feelings is crucial for our well-being and ultimately makes us better parents.