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How My Next Relationship Will Be Different
When a marriage ends, it’s common to feel like you’ve failed. I remember feeling that way when my partner and I first parted ways, but after navigating the emotional ups and downs of those initial six months, I’ve realized my marriage wasn’t a failure at all. Sure, I made mistakes and overlooked certain behaviors, but now I have a chance to learn from those experiences and avoid repeating them in my next relationship. While it’s tough to envision falling in love again right now, I believe it’s possible. Even if I remain single, I’ve gained insight into my own tendencies that can create dysfunction, and I want to model a positive relationship dynamic for my children, even as a single mom.
There are countless theories about how we attract partners and choose mates. A common saying is that opposites attract, which does hold some truth. But what does “opposites” really mean? It’s not just about personality differences; many experts believe we gravitate towards those who fill a void within us—often shaped by our childhood experiences and expectations.
Harville Hendrix, a notable relationship expert, discusses the concept of Imago in his work. Imago refers to an idealized image of love we develop in childhood, influenced by our interactions with caregivers. This concept suggests that we select partners who evoke both our strengths and vulnerabilities, with the goal of healing old wounds. Unfortunately, this pattern can lead to unhealthy relationships, such as those who experienced abuse in childhood often pairing with abusive partners.
Even if we had a good upbringing, our parents were likely not perfect. For example, a parent who frequently traveled might unintentionally lead their child to choose a partner who is emotionally distant. Alternatively, a child raised by a caretaker with low self-esteem might grow up questioning their own worth and seek validation from others. I fell into this trap myself, bringing my own emotional baggage into my marriage and hoping my partner would mend it. After years of familiarity, I found myself stuck in a cycle of dysfunction that didn’t bring me joy. I want to break those patterns for my children’s sake.
As I prepare for my next relationship, I’ve identified three key changes I’m committed to making. First, I will not expect my partner to fulfill all my emotional needs. While I understood this on some level, I still fell into the unhealthy habit of seeking emotional support that my husband couldn’t provide. My childhood experience with an emotionally unavailable parent left me reaching for a dry well, only to be disappointed. As an adult, I have the power to choose where I seek support, and I need to remind myself that I’ve got options.
Second, I will strive for a balance between marriage, parenting, and my career. I’ve always been a confident and accomplished individual, but the demands of motherhood caused me to lose sight of my own identity. I became reliant on my partner for validation, which only intensified my feelings of isolation. Growing up, I watched my mother struggle with her self-worth, and I’m determined not to repeat that cycle. I’ve slowly rebuilt my self-confidence through work and rekindling my passion for writing. Now, I’m connecting with a community of creative individuals who inspire me.
Finally, I won’t allow complacency to settle into my next relationship. It’s easy to fall into a routine, but that inertia can drain happiness and stifle growth. I’ve experienced moments of regret, questioning why it took me so long to recognize the need for change. Life has its own timeline, and when things aren’t working, it’s essential to acknowledge it and seek transformation. I’m ready for the light and growth that come with embracing change.
In summary, my next relationship will be grounded in emotional independence, balance, and a commitment to growth. By learning from my past, I hope to create a healthier dynamic for myself and my children.
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