19 Ways to Ensure Your Job Interview is an Epic Fail

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As your kids grow up and become more independent, you find yourself with more free time, a wealth of experience, and a solid work ethic. Friends and family urge you to dive back into the workforce because they believe you have valuable skills to share. So, you polish your four-page resume, treat yourself to a stylish new outfit from Ann Taylor Loft, and get ready for your first job interview in years.

The catch? Deep down, you really don’t want to go back to work after spending two decades juggling family life. You dream of finishing your novel, enjoying cookies without the bathroom sink as your dining table, and you’re okay with being seen as the “stay-at-home mom” who’s lost her ambition. You just want a way out of this interview—without it looking like you’re avoiding work. Here’s how to make sure you never get hired:

1. Assume your interviewer will be a young man in his late 20s—aren’t they all? Make it clear you prefer male leadership and might struggle to take orders from a woman.
2. When the interviewer asks the polite question, “Can I get you anything?” respond with, “Yes, an iced cappuccino would be great!”
3. Call your interviewer “Sir” and let him ponder if you’re being sarcastic.
4. Use outdated terms like typewriter, word processor, and xerox copies.
5. When asked about strengths and weaknesses, simply answer with “lasagna.”
6. Make it known that you’re a PTA mom, but not the one who’s been on Ashley Madison—then give him a cheeky wink.
7. Present a list of dates you’ll need off to follow your favorite band on tour.
8. Ask if he wants to support your son’s baseball fundraiser by buying pizza kits.
9. Mention that while you don’t know a foreign language, you’re fluent in various foreign accents.
10. List “hosting a candle party” as relevant sales experience.
11. Make it clear you’d only accept a company car if it’s not a total clunker.
12. While discussing education, boast about earning your “bachelorette’s” degree from a reputable institution.
13. Politely demand that the vending machines stock gluten-free snacks for your intolerance.
14. Create whimsical job titles for your resume, like CEO: Chief of Eating Oreos.
15. Agree to a drug test but start nervously biting your nails.
16. Drop something under the interviewer’s desk and when he goes to pick it up, pop your head under and say, “Fancy meeting you here!”
17. Try to wink at him often, but don’t look too twitchy.
18. If dress code comes up, burst into tears.
19. Agree to the company’s social media policy, then send him a friend request while in the parking lot.

If all else fails and they still offer you the job, you can always pretend you’re expecting!

For more fun and engaging stories, check out this post on Home Insemination Kit. You might also find helpful information at Make A Mom and Genetics and IVF Institute.

In summary, if you’re looking for a way to sabotage your job interview without raising eyebrows, these tips will surely help you avoid landing that job you secretly don’t want.