The Lice Slayer: A Mom’s Tale of Panic and Perseverance

home insemination Kit

Updated: March 24, 2021

Originally Published: September 7, 2015

Just as we were gearing up for the new school year, I stumbled upon a nightmare: my daughters had lice. And I don’t mean just a few stray nits; I’m talking about real, live bugs causing chaos in their long, blond hair. Naturally, I completely lost it.

“Oh my gosh, we have lice! Get in the car! We’re going to the pharmacy! Wait! Don’t touch anything!”

After an emergency run to get four boxes of Nix, I returned home to what felt like a war zone. Home, once a cozy haven, now felt infested with those little monsters, lurking and biding their time to invade our heads. Ugh, lice—those pesky little #@$*%#s!

To give you a sense of the sheer panic that enveloped my neat-freak, control-loving self, picture this: while I was slathering my girls’ hair in Nix and shouting, “Don’t touch ANYTHING!” I was also dictating a text to my friend Mia about our lice “situation.” My kind-hearted friend, who thankfully wasn’t dealing with lice, replied with reassuring messages like:

• You can handle this, Emily!
• The girls are fine!
• Just take a deep breath!

But when text therapy didn’t calm my near-hyperventilating state, Mia knew what had to be done. With a secret mission, she swooped into my neighborhood, left her car running in my driveway, rang the doorbell, and bolted. I opened the door, looking exhausted and suspicious, to find a note, a big bottle of wine, and a bag of chocolates. Bless her heart!

The thing with lice is that when you think you can tackle them yourself, they just laugh at you. I swear I heard them chuckling, saying, “You may have found some nits, but I’ve got a whole army hidden in those billions of hair strands over there. BWAHHHHAAAHAHAAAAAA!” They even have the audacity to change the colors of their nits! One day they’re white, and the next? Brown!

And the actual bugs? The adult lice are enormous. It’s so disgusting that it makes you question your kids’ hygiene. You start to resent their beautiful hair, and you might even entertain the idea of shaving their heads just to end the madness. But then you realize they’d probably resent you for life, and you’d be left on a daytime talk show lamenting your choices. So, you keep picking nits and using your precious Nix.

Three days in, and when the four boxes of Nix don’t seem to be working? That’s when the real panic sets in.

I resorted to olive oil. In between washing every piece of clothing in the house multiple times a day and vacuuming every inch of our home, I started coating my daughters’ hair in sticky olive oil. I’d heard it “drowns” the lice. Drowns? My girls had been swimming for weeks, and nothing had worked on these little pests! But I was desperate enough to try anything. To keep them from contaminating the couches, I made them sit on towels on the hardwood floor, glued to the TV while I cleaned and cried.

After missing four days of school and four days of work, I was seriously considering divorce from my husband, who seemed way too relieved to leave for work every morning. My daily routine had become a nightmare:

• Wake up. Realize lice are still here. Want to shave heads. Consider divorcing my husband. Crave wine. Crave coffee. Get out of bed. Have coffee.
• Nit-pick daughter number one; she cries. Curse the school. Find some nits but no live lice. Feel hope, then despair. Resist the urge to shave their heads. Douse their hair in olive oil. Repeat with daughter number two.
• Wash everything again. Curse husband for having a job. Wonder if it’s too early for wine. Wash out olive oil and check for nits again.

This cycle continued for two more days until, finally, a miracle occurred. A friend texted me about a top-secret place in the next town over that specializes in getting rid of lice! It costs around $200 per head, but they guarantee their results!

Why hadn’t I heard of this sooner?

I called this magical lice removal place, and a friendly woman answered. I spilled my hair-raising tale and felt like a total mess. She told me to come in immediately, as we sounded like an “emergency situation.”

The place was tucked behind some storage units, and as I approached, I could hear a dog barking in the distance. A chain-link fence separated us from an auto-repair shop, and I noticed a questionable character checking out his teeth. I hurried my girls into a place aptly named “The Lice Slayers.”

Two hours later, I was told that I had become the ultimate Lice Slayer! The staff praised my nit-picking skills and confirmed that I had eradicated the entire lice population from my daughters’ heads. They practically awarded me a medal and charged me just a $20 fee for the head check. I walked out feeling like I had won a battle.

Lice are no joke. They’re gross, creepy, and can wreak havoc on a family. So, if a friend’s family is dealing with lice, do them a solid: bring them wine and chocolates. Actually, just bring the wine.

This article was originally published on September 7, 2015.

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Summary: This humorous and relatable account details a mother’s frantic experience dealing with her daughters’ lice infestation just before school starts. Faced with panic and a plethora of failed treatments, she ultimately discovers a specialized lice removal service, leading to a triumphant resolution. In the process, she learns the importance of support from friends and the reality of parenting challenges.