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The One Phrase I Wish We Could Eliminate from Mom Chats
My dear friend Jenna is a single mom, and her daily routine is as meticulously planned as a military operation. Her mornings start with nursing the baby while her preschooler watches cartoons, followed by breakfast, getting the kids dressed, packing lunches, and prepping herself for work—all while juggling screen time for the kids. She drops one off at daycare and the other at nursery school, hops on the subway, rushes to her job, and at the end of the day, it’s a whirlwind of grocery shopping, dinner supervision, bath time, and finally putting the kids to bed with a couple of bedtime stories. Once the kids are asleep, she cleans the kitchen, responds to work emails, and squeezes in whatever little sleep she can manage.
Jenna rarely complains, but during a recent school pickup, she expressed her wish that her kids watched less TV. Another mom chimed in, suggesting, “Can’t you just give them some crayons or crafts to keep them busy?” Jenna sighed, knowing that while crayons might entertain for a few moments, the TV would captivate them for a solid 20 minutes. Plus, she would then face the cleanup of craft supplies.
Similarly, my friend Lisa, who has a demanding job, once mentioned how she wished she could serve home-cooked meals. Someone quickly suggested, “Can’t you prep meals on the weekends and just reheat them?” Lisa replied, “Not really,” explaining that weekends were packed with errands, chores, and child care.
These exchanges weren’t intended to be harsh; our mom group is generally supportive. However, such comments can leave a mother feeling inadequately equipped, as if she isn’t doing enough for her kids. If only she were more efficient, her children would be enjoying wholesome, homemade dinners instead of watching TV.
Even with a flexible work schedule, I find it challenging to squeeze in cooking, exercise, hobbies, cleaning, and quality time with my kids. Some days, it feels impossible to balance everything. I appreciate hacks for quick clean-ups or recipes that yield multiple meals, but they don’t address the reality that time is limited. It would be kind to acknowledge that not every problem has a neat solution—sometimes, it’s okay to order takeout or let the kids have extra screen time.
I had my own moment of frustration when my second son was just six weeks old. A college friend invited us to a park a subway ride away, and I didn’t go because I couldn’t handle the logistics of getting both kids there. My friend suggested, “Can’t you just carry the baby in a carrier and take a travel stroller?” Sure, but at that moment, the thought of packing everything, holding my 3-year-old’s hand, and managing the baby’s needs felt overwhelming. I didn’t want to feel guilty for missing out on an outing, but I simply couldn’t manage.
While it may seem like a minor phrase, “can’t you just…” can make overwhelmed parents feel even worse about their struggles. Not everyone can cook from scratch, squeeze in a workout, or maintain a spotless home. Sometimes, you just want to collapse with a pint of ice cream and call it a day.
So let’s consider banning this phrase from our mom conversations. It’s not our role to solve each other’s problems, especially when our friends already know the potential solutions. Instead, we should comfort each other with understanding remarks like, “Hey, frozen meals are great” or “We watched hours of TV, and we turned out just fine.” While it’s tempting to offer advice, sometimes the best support is simply reassuring someone that they’re doing just fine.
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In summary, let’s uplift each other by acknowledging the challenges of motherhood without adding unnecessary pressure. We all have our ways of coping, and that’s perfectly okay.