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The Thoughts That Keep Me Up at Night
There are nights when I find myself lying in bed, consumed by thoughts of you. I reflect on our day together, mulling over the moments I could have handled differently—those times I didn’t do enough or perhaps did things that missed the mark. I replay our conversations, both the words I shared and the ones I wish I had said.
I remember the fleeting expressions of discomfort, surprise, or disappointment that crossed your bright face due to my actions or words. I think about all my missteps and the countless ways I wish I could rewind time to make things right.
Like that time I raised my voice when you accidentally spilled your cereal while trying to help me. You were just being your sweet self, bringing your dishes to the sink, and I could have gently reassured you, “It’s alright, sweetheart. Everyone spills sometimes. Thanks for helping!” I could have handed you a broom and let you feel proud for cleaning it up like a big kid.
Then there was the moment you eagerly brought me your favorite book, “The First 100 Cars,” and I brushed you off with a “not now.” I could have taken a moment to enjoy the weight of you nestled in my lap, your tiny fingers pointing out your beloved vehicles. After all, what’s a little headache compared to those precious snuggle moments?
I think about how frustrated I got when you decided to play airplane instead of eating the fish bites I made. You’re so full of energy and imagination, and I forgot to embrace that. I could have turned it into a game, explaining how airplanes need fuel and sharing the Nutri-Grain bar you wanted while flying around the kitchen together.
Then there was the time I lost my temper when you wouldn’t stop tugging at my hair. I didn’t mean to drag you to your room, and when you fell to the floor with tears in your eyes, I should have scooped you up and apologized. Instead, I shut the door on my sweet little one, leaving you to cry alone.
I think about the bickering between you and your brother over who gets to sit on my lap. I could have easily turned it into a snuggle party instead of pushing you both away in frustration. You two just wanted to be near me, and I missed that opportunity to connect.
It dawns on me that there will come a time when you both won’t fit in my lap anymore, and I’ll long for the days when you both sought comfort from me. The thought of you growing up so fast fills me with anxiety, and I regret the moments wasted on trivial frustrations.
But my love for you is immense, a feeling that sometimes feels like it’s going to burst. As I lay here, thinking of you tucked away in your own bed, my heart aches for your presence. It’s often in the quiet moments of separation that I realize just how deeply I want to hold you close while I still can.
As the weight of these thoughts keeps me awake, I imagine sneaking into your room, lifting you into my arms, and whispering “I’m sorry” as you snuggle against me. I yearn for the comforting rhythm of your breath matching my heartbeat, reminding me that you are a part of me.
But I resist the urge to wake you, not wanting to disturb your peaceful slumber. Instead, with a heavy heart and a pillow beneath my head, I promise myself that tomorrow will be filled with better moments, allowing sweeter dreams to carry me to sleep.
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Summary:
In this heartfelt reflection, Emily Carter shares her nighttime musings about motherhood, filled with moments of regret, love, and the desire to connect with her children. Each memory serves as a reminder of the importance of cherishing these fleeting years, even amidst the chaos of parenting.