The Hidden Struggles of an Eating Disorder

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I live with an eating disorder, and it may not be what you expect. I’m 39 years old, happily married, and a proud mom to two kids and a couple of pets. I even coach my daughter’s soccer team! On the outside, I appear pretty normal—not too thin, not too heavy. I’m always laughing and seem like I have everything under control, except for my tendency to swear like a sailor.

Yet, I carry this burden alone, with only a few trusted folks knowing about my struggle. The face of an eating disorder is complex and often deceptive. You might envision a young woman who is extremely underweight, nibbling on crackers and chugging coffee while relying on laxatives. Or perhaps you think of someone who is overweight, bingeing in secret on pizza and cake, desperately trying to shed the extra pounds.

Both types exist, but there’s a vast, murky middle ground filled with self-loathing and shame that affects countless people. The behaviors vary widely, but many of us share the same painful thoughts.

FAT.

• I’ll die if I’m fat.
• I’m worth nothing if I’m fat.
• I’m unlovable. I’m gross. I’m disgusting.
• I don’t deserve to take up space in this world.

It seems shallow to risk my wonderful life for the sake of vanity, but it’s not that simple. I’m sick—very sick.

I don’t make myself throw up anymore; that was years ago, and I like to think I’ve “recovered.” I don’t compulsively exercise either, and while I don’t binge often, I still have my bad days. No more laxatives, no scales, and no diets. My life looks like I’m “better,” but the thoughts are still a slow poison, gnawing away at me.

Every day is clouded with negative thoughts, making it hard to breathe. I see the world through a fog of anxiety and shame. A constant inner dialogue plays on repeat as I eat, whispering, “Tomorrow I’ll start fresh. Tomorrow I’ll be good. Tomorrow, tomorrow…”

But what about today? I’m struggling right now, and the noise won’t quiet down.

What do you think? Do you resonate with this pain and find yourself suffering in silence? Maybe you see me as a weak woman, consumed by her vanity. Regardless of your perspective, please remember: this isn’t a choice. I’ve lost the ability to see things clearly.

Someone once said, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” I’m unsure of what could exist beyond this endless despair. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced life without the weight of this disease. I’m on the journey of therapy, but trusting others feels daunting. Letting go of my unhealthy habits feels like a death itself, yet perhaps there’s a chance for rebirth amid the ashes, like a child discovering joy for the first time.

Each of us must navigate our own path through this struggle. Maybe I need to surrender to the waves and see where they take me. It could lead to hidden treasures waiting to be uncovered.

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