Understanding Your Parenting Goals with Tweens and Teens

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When navigating the tumultuous waters of parenting teens and tweens, it’s crucial to understand your role. I remember a recent evening when my daughter, Lily, let out an exaggerated eye roll and stomped upstairs after a disagreement. While she didn’t slam her door, it was clear she was upset—especially since she had just turned 12. The cause of her frustration? She had accessed ask.fm, a site we had explicitly told her to avoid.

The platform’s Terms of Service require users to be 13 years or older, a rule we reinforced due to the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act. Lily protested, “But I don’t have an account! You never said I couldn’t use it without one!” The eye roll said it all: she wasn’t buying my insistence that the app was off-limits.

Later that night, as my partner and I reflected on the evening’s events, I found myself questioning my decisions. “Am I being too strict? Could I be helicoptering?” Just then, I recalled something football coach Lou Holtz often says: “Know your mandate.” This phrase brought clarity to my parenting approach and allowed me to embrace my choices with confidence.

My Parenting Mandate

For me, my parenting mandate consists of a few key tenets:

• Keep my child safe.
• Promote her health.
• Show love and affection.
• Ensure she receives a proper education.
• Teach her respect and responsibility, including the importance of following rules.

These points form the core of my parenting philosophy. I recognize that as she grows, my role will shift from keeping her safe to teaching her how to protect herself.

While fulfilling these mandates requires time and energy—something every parent knows is in short supply—it’s equally important to understand what my role doesn’t entail. For instance, I am not her friend. It’s not my job to fulfill every desire she has, nor am I responsible for her happiness. That last point can be particularly challenging when dealing with a sulky tween.

Despite the discomfort it brings, I remind myself that Lily’s happiness is ultimately her responsibility. Tweens and teens are capable of making their own choices, and learning to navigate the consequences is a valuable part of growing up.

Being aware of my mandates helps me stay committed to my decisions, even in the face of peer pressure or differing opinions from other parents. I may be swimming against the current with my stance on social media usage, but knowing that my rules align with my parenting goals helps me feel secure in my choices.

Lou Holtz may not have intended to provide parenting advice, but his wisdom resonates well beyond the football field. Understanding your mandates makes it easier to stick to your principles. While parenting tweens and teens is never easy, it’s comforting to have a guiding framework.

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In summary, knowing your parenting mandate can simplify your choices and empower you to be the best parent you can be during these challenging teen years.