When I went in for my 36-week growth scan, I was shattered to learn that my baby boy had passed away. The overwhelming mix of grief and disbelief was unbearable. In the weeks that followed, I would occasionally wake in the night and momentarily forget my loss. But as I shifted from sleep to wakefulness, the cruel truth would hit me again: this was my new reality.
People often struggle to find the right words when someone experiences the loss of a baby. It feels so unnatural. In fact, there isn’t even a term for parents who endure such a heartbreak. Think about it: if you lose your parents, you become an orphan; if you lose a spouse, you’re a widow or widower. But if you lose a child, the world seems to just be relieved it isn’t them.
Conversations with friends and family during those early days after a loss can be really awkward. Some people understand that a simple hug and a few kind words can mean the world, but many others feel compelled to say something—anything—that they believe is comforting. One of the most common phrases I heard was “everything happens for a reason.”
I often wonder if people really consider the implications of that statement or if they just repeat it because they think it sounds wise. When tragedy strikes, this phrase is often trotted out as though it can somehow provide clarity, as if those five little words could explain chaos.
Did your dog get hit by a car? Don’t worry, everything happens for a reason. Did you lose your job and your home? Don’t fret, everything happens for a reason. Did your partner betray you? Don’t be sad because everything happens for a reason. Your child is being bullied? Don’t worry; everything happens for a reason.
And when it comes to the loss of your baby? Well, you’re told not to be sad because everything happens for a reason—even if no one can articulate what that reason might be.
The suggestion is that, in time, you’ll see how this heart-wrenching event was somehow beneficial. You’re meant to believe that you’ll gain some profound insight from the tragedy. But let me be clear: I reject the notion that everything happens for a reason. Anyone who believes otherwise has likely never faced real tragedy.
What reason could possibly justify the death of a perfectly healthy baby? You can’t come up with one because there isn’t one. There’s no divine plan we simply don’t understand—sometimes, things just suck.
Why did our baby die while another was born addicted to substances? Why did our longed-for baby pass away while another was discarded in a dumpster? Why did our baby die while others are abused? Each story I read about an abandoned or mistreated baby makes me want to scream.
Everything happens for a reason? Absolutely not. The truth is that life is random. Being a good person or following a certain faith doesn’t shield you from heartbreak. Did you genuinely believe that your kindness would spare you from pain? Think again.
Life doesn’t play by our rules. Sometimes, good things happen to terrible people, and bad things happen to wonderful ones. That’s just how it goes. You can’t control it, so stop the self-blame.
We must stop trying to rationalize unfortunate events by insisting they serve a purpose. Sometimes, tragedies occur without any greater meaning or lesson attached. Life can’t always be wrapped up neatly. Sometimes, unfortunate events just happen for no reason at all.
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In summary, sometimes we face heartbreaking events without any reason behind them. Life can be unpredictable, and we must accept that not everything has a hidden purpose.