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Alzheimer’s Took My Dad, And I’m Worried It Might Take Me Too
It all began with the little things—misplacing car keys or forgetting to take medications. At first, it seemed normal, but then it escalated. My dad started leaving yogurt and milk in the cabinet instead of the fridge, and I brushed it off as typical forgetfulness. As a new mom, I was overwhelmed and tired, juggling sleepless nights and endless responsibilities. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t recognize the signs sooner, or maybe I just didn’t want to confront the reality.
When my dad received his Alzheimer’s diagnosis, I wasn’t shocked; the clues had been there all along. Yet, the full weight of it didn’t hit me until much later. My sister and I dedicated ourselves to caring for him, making the daily trek back and forth to his house with one baby, and soon, two toddlers. We were constantly shopping for groceries and keeping an eye on him as he repeatedly forgot meals and medications. It became clear that he could no longer live alone; it was a risky situation, and we knew he needed 24/7 care. With heavy hearts, we made the tough decision to place him in a nursing home. I knew it was for the best and that he was safe, but it didn’t lessen the pain.
Every visit felt like a gut punch. My dad, once so vibrant, was now filled with anger and hurt, believing he had been abandoned. I understood that it stemmed from the disease, yet each harsh word cut me deeply. It was like watching him fade away, leaving behind a shell of the man I once knew. My kids, who should have the joy of knowing their grandpa, only see a frail figure who can’t engage with them as he used to. They’ll never experience the warmth of his embrace or hear him play the guitar, a talent he once cherished. This cruel disease robbed my children of the grandfather they could have loved.
What terrifies me the most is the genetic aspect of Alzheimer’s. My dad’s family has a history of the disease, and I can’t shake the fear that I might be next. Some days, I struggle to remember even the simplest of things, and while I know that forgetfulness can be a common motherhood experience, I worry about the bigger issues. I often find myself fumbling for words, staring at an object, frustrated as my brain betrays me. It’s just a cup, but in those moments, it feels like so much more.
Looking at my children, I can’t fathom a future where I forget who they are, where I can’t recall their quirks or the little things that make them unique. Those memories ground me, providing comfort in moments of despair. I envision growing old with my husband, reminiscing about our adventures and the life we built together. But what if Alzheimer’s steals those moments from me as well? I fear becoming a burden to him, even though I know he would never see it that way. He would care for me just as I do for my dad.
I understand I can’t live in fear of what might happen. I can’t dwell on a future that may never come to pass. But witnessing someone I love gradually disappear is terrifying, and it’s only natural to worry about suffering the same fate. I can’t stop Alzheimer’s; I can’t make it go away. Whenever I visit my dad, I study his hands, trying to memorize every wrinkle and detail. I do the same with my kids, cherishing their laughter and little moments when they’re unaware I’m watching. Those memories are my lifeline, reminding me of the beauty in life, even when shadows loom.
No matter how much Alzheimer’s tries to take away, it can’t erase love. My dad knows I love him, and despite the disease, I can still feel his love for me. I ensure my husband and children know they are everything to me. If there ever comes a day when I can’t express it anymore, I want them to hold onto these words: I love you more than you could ever know. You are my everything, and every moment spent with you is a gift.
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Summary
This heartfelt narrative explores the author’s experience with her father’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis and the fears surrounding her own genetic risks. It reflects on the pain of watching a loved one disappear and the importance of cherishing memories with family. Through love and resilience, the author finds a way to cope with the uncertainties that come with such a diagnosis.