Rhetorical Parenting Questions

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I used to engage my kids in thoughtful life lessons. For instance, when one of my little ones decided to climb the banister and slide down like they’d seen on TV, I might have exclaimed:

No! No, no, no. I understand it seems fun on screen, but in real life, sliding down banisters isn’t safe. Can you tell me why? Exactly! It’s dangerous. Those banisters are meant to keep you safe when you’re going up and down stairs. What do you think could happen if you tried to slide and fell off? Yes! You’d get really hurt. Can you think of better things to slide on? That’s right! A playground slide. Great thinking! Now let’s finish this little lesson with a hug.

Isn’t that adorable? I was all about being hands-on and nurturing. I made an effort to guide my children to understand important lessons about safety, nutrition, and appropriate behavior. After all, they’re the ones living and learning in this world.

However, these days, especially during the chaotic hours between waking and bedtime, I’ve shifted my approach. Instead of engaging in deep discussions, I often resort to straightforward tactics; let’s be honest, there’s no time for an explanation when a child is about to bite the dog. So, I sometimes rely on sarcasm or passive-aggressive questions that highlight the obvious. I’ve found myself asking:

• Do we put toys in the toilet?
• Do we throw cats?
• Should you wash your hair with pudding?

I suspect that my reluctance to have those “teachable moments” stems from the fact that my kids sometimes seem, well, a bit clueless. They’re eager to explore the world in ways that defy logic. Suddenly, a wall becomes a canvas for diaper cream “art,” shirtsleeves turn into handkerchiefs, and my sanity feels like a punching bag.

• Do we paint our sibling?
• Are bookcases meant to be climbed like ladders?
• Do people enjoy being farted on?

Without meaning to, I’ve transitioned into a source of snacks and rhetorical questions. I can hardly believe the outrageous things I witness, like a child actually trying to eat crayons. It’s enough to make me question their understanding of common sense.

• Do we eat dirt?
• Are fingernail clippings toys?
• Do we poke other people’s eyes?

It sometimes feels like I’m teaching a class on common sense to garden worms. I want to believe my kids know the answers to my rhetorical questions (hint: it’s always “no”), but there are moments when I question if they’re driven by something more primal than logic. Perhaps they think, “The sun is directly overhead; it must be time to pee on the front lawn.”

• Are umbrellas swords?
• Are you an animal?
• Do we store things in our underpants?

I’ve started pointing out the most obvious things, trying to get this delightful group of “curly, dimpled lunatics” to understand that we only jump on trampolines—not on our siblings who happen to be lying down. Yes, even if they’re giggling.

• Should you lick the floor?
• Are dogs meant to wear shoes?
• Does mommy come to the dinner table naked?

It’s utterly exhausting to constantly correct these little beings who seem to revel in making questionable choices. Yet, I remain hopeful in a way only a mother can. One day, I dream of a time when I won’t have to ask, “Does that go in your nose?”

For more parenting insights and light-hearted musings, check out our other blog post about home insemination. And if you’re looking for additional resources on boosting fertility, visit Make a Mom. For a comprehensive guide on intrauterine insemination, Cleveland Clinic is an excellent resource.