My Daughter’s a Quitter…And I Couldn’t Be Happier for Her

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My daughter has dabbled in various sports, from the classics like soccer and swimming to the more unusual, such as ice skating and tae kwon do. While she managed to do reasonably well in each, none really sparked her enthusiasm. Initially, she seemed excited about every new venture, but before long, convincing her to attend practices turned into a real struggle. I wrestled with the idea of letting her quit (shouldn’t I teach her perseverance?), but eventually, I always gave in. It just didn’t seem worthwhile to invest so much time and money into something she wasn’t enjoying. Plus, I had my own history of quitting. As a kid, I gave up on dance, gymnastics, basketball, and softball—there were probably more, but I stopped keeping track. Like her, I was more focused on books and school than on sports, and I turned out (mostly) alright.

One thing I didn’t gain from my childhood sports adventures was a love for physical activity. I didn’t want my daughter to repeat my fitness missteps, so I kept presenting her with new options, hoping she would find her passion. Then, about a year and a half ago, when she turned 10, we finally found a winner: tennis. Motivated by her interest, I decided to join her in the sport.

She quickly advanced through recreational classes and was invited into the high-performance program. I took private lessons and got to the point where I was an alternate on the club’s doubles team. We bought a ball caddy filled with four dozen pink tennis balls and spent time practicing our serves at our neighborhood court. Last summer, I took her to a local pro tournament, and her face lit up as we watched top female players competing just a few feet away.

She started improving rapidly, and her coach frequently praised her progress. I tried to encourage her to enter some local tournaments, but she always said no. When sign-ups for the YMCA tennis team opened up this spring, she reluctantly agreed to join but dreaded the practices and begged me not to make her compete against other players for a higher rank.

One day, her dad asked me if she really enjoyed tennis. She always told me she did, but I was starting to think otherwise. When I inquired if she ever wanted to play competitively, she mumbled, “Yeah, maybe,” while staring at the ground. Around that time, she began complaining of stomachaches before lessons.

I tried talking to her again. I gently expressed my concern that she might not be enjoying tennis and suggested we scale back to one lesson a week for the summer. She agreed but seemed disappointed. The stomachaches persisted, mysteriously disappearing about half an hour after practice ended.

I was torn. On one hand, those tennis lessons were pricey, and fitting them into our schedule was a challenge. On the other hand, I wanted her to excel at something. Her younger brother is a successful competitive gymnast, and I thought it was only fair for her to have her own sport to shine in. Plus, I loved that tennis was an interest we shared.

As the deadline to sign up for the fall session approached, I brought it up again. “Why do you want to keep playing tennis?” I asked her. She burst into tears. Between sobs, she confessed that she wanted to quit but felt guilty about all the money I had spent, thinking that quitting would mean it had all been wasted.

I tried not to dwell on the cost, but I realized that what I had spent on lessons, racquets, shoes, and tennis skirts could’ve funded a lovely trip to Europe. So, I explained the idea of “sunk costs”—that we shouldn’t continue pouring time and money into something she didn’t love just because we had already invested in it. She continued crying. I handed her a tissue and told her I was proud of her for being honest about her feelings.

That night, we made the final decision to take a break from tennis. I was both relieved and surprised that she was really quitting. I framed it to her and her coach as a break—who knows, maybe she’ll return to tennis someday, but I’m okay with it if she doesn’t. I want her to spend her time and my money on activities she truly loves.

I have to say, I’m still unsure about when to encourage my child to stick with something versus when to let her quit. The belief in sticking it out kept me in unhealthy relationships and dead-end jobs longer than I should have, and I don’t want that for her. Yet, we can’t just walk away when things get tough, right? What about that old Vince Lombardi quote, “Winners never quit, and quitters never win”? No parent wants their child labeled a quitter.

But she doesn’t quit everything. She’s a talented musician who plays three instruments and has never complained about practicing. She’s a dedicated student, managing her own homework without reminders from me. She’s also a skilled artist who spends hours sketching. So, she’s not a tennis player, and that’s perfectly fine.

I’ve insisted she stay active, so she’s decided to try fencing next. Anyone interested in trading a tennis racquet for an épée?

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Summary:

Navigating my daughter’s journey through various sports has taught me valuable lessons about quitting and pursuing passions. While she tried tennis and showed promise, it became clear she wasn’t enjoying it. After some heartfelt discussions, we decided to take a break from tennis so she could explore other interests, like fencing. It’s a relief to know that she will focus on what she truly loves, and I’m determined to support her in finding activities that bring her joy.