20 Conditions for My 2-Year-Old to Use the Potty

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Potty training in our home has been quite the adventure, to say the least. While my partner and I remain calm, our little 2-year-old ruler can unleash a storm of emotions when her specific demands aren’t met before she even thinks about sitting on the potty. After careful observation and a lot of head-scratching, we’ve identified 20 conditions that must be satisfied for successful potty time:

1. Mercury must be in retrograde, while Jupiter is on the rise. Additionally, a mischievous moon should be in view.
2. The bathroom needs to smell like a spring meadow, achieved solely through fresh organic herbs tied with a lovely periwinkle ribbon, not artificial scents.
3. The lighting must be set to a maximum of 120 watts.
4. The bathroom temperature must stay between 72.5 and 72.7 degrees—showers are strictly off-limits to maintain this balance.
5. Somewhere within a 1,000-mile radius, a virgin sheep must be getting shorn.
6. Calmness is key; avoid eye contact while making light requests like “Please don’t pee on my arm” or “Whoa! Don’t touch that. It’s a pube.”
7. You must correctly guess whether the chosen potty will be the training one or the full-sized version. It’s a 50/50 chance, and no hints will be provided. Selecting incorrectly guarantees a bowel movement in the next 17 seconds.
8. No commercial planes, seagulls, or crows should be flying overhead. Pigeons and vintage aircraft from before World War II are just fine.
9. Everyone must be sockless.
10. An audience of at least four stuffed animals and one attentive cat must be present and still during the entire process.
11. It has to be the first Tuesday, second Monday, third Saturday, or fourth Friday of any month ending in “Y” to even consider potty use. However, if it’s raining, only Thursdays are acceptable.
12. A deer and an antelope must be frolicking nearby, with a buffalo roaming in the background.
13. The library must be closed.
14. Organic bananas should be on sale at Whole Foods.
15. One-third of the doors in the house must be ajar.
16. The kitchen rug must be slightly crooked, turned counter-clockwise.
17. The phone cannot ring for 15 minutes before or after any potty attempt—no texting, social media, or weather checks permitted either.
18. A parent must have an urgent need to use the bathroom at the same time.
19. A relative must be discovering a rogue chin hair.
20. A double rainbow should be arcing gracefully over a pod of albino dolphins guiding an orphaned beluga whale to its new family.

Now, if you’re navigating the complex world of potty training, remember to check out our terms and conditions for more insights. If you’re also interested in boosting fertility, Make a Mom offers excellent products and resources. And for further understanding of the genetics involved in these processes, the Genetics and IVF Institute is a fantastic reference.

In summary, potty training is a unique journey filled with its own set of challenges. If you can navigate these 20 whimsical conditions, you might just find success—and a little humor—along the way.