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My Shy Kid Isn’t Rude
When my kids and I arrive at our friend Lucy’s house, we are greeted with smiles at the door. I cheerfully say, “Hi, everyone!” and the girls chime in with a bright “Good morning!” Meanwhile, our son, Jake, quietly slips in without uttering a word.
Lucy greets him by name and asks how he’s doing. He looks down, takes off his shoes, and then turns to me with an unrelated question—completely disregarding the friendly greeting. “She said ‘hello’ to you, buddy,” I gently remind him, hoping to steer him toward a response. He mumbles a quick “hi,” barely glancing her way before darting off into the house.
I can almost hear the thoughts swirling around—How rude! But I know my son’s heart. He’s not being impolite; he’s simply a shy kid. Every child goes through phases of shyness, some more intense than others. They might be greeted by someone they’ve known forever and respond with silence, a fleeting glance, or maybe a half-hearted wave. While it can come across as rude, it’s often a struggle with shyness, not a lack of manners.
Of course, I’ve seen kids who will chat with anyone and everyone without hesitation. I’ve had little ones strike up conversations with me in stores, and while they bring a smile to my face, it’s a world away from my own experience growing up. My husband wasn’t chatty either, and, thanks to genetics, our kids have inherited that temperament.
Then there are kids who are shy but can manage a greeting when they see familiar faces. They might not initiate conversations with strangers, but they can muster a few sentences when spoken to. But then, there are the painfully shy kiddos—like Jake—who can freeze in social situations. I was one of those kids too, and I remember how uncomfortable it felt. Unless you’ve been in those shoes, it’s hard to grasp what it’s like. Imagine being on stage with a spotlight shining down, all eyes on you, and you’re supposed to give a speech you didn’t prepare for. That’s the kind of pressure they feel when someone talks to them.
For shy kids, social interactions can feel overwhelming, especially in new environments. They might need a moment to assess their surroundings before they’re ready to engage. What I’ve learned is that when a shy child seems to ignore you, they’re actually hyper-aware of your presence. They’re just tangled in their own internal struggle, making it hard to muster the courage to respond.
I don’t know what causes shyness, but I remember feeling it deeply. Over time, through experience and gentle encouragement, I found my voice. It wasn’t until my tween years that I truly overcame it, and I’m proud to say that my girls, now 11 and 15, have moved past their shyness. I have hope that Jake will too.
So, if you notice a child who seems standoffish, resist the urge to label them as rude. Understanding the effort it takes for them to even say “hi” can change your perspective. One of the best gifts my parents gave me was allowing me to be shy without making me feel ashamed of it.
To support shy kids, avoid putting pressure on them to engage in conversation. A simple smile or acknowledgment can go a long way. Instead of asking how they are, try saying, “It’s great to see you!” and leave it at that. Remember, they’re not being rude—they’re just navigating their shyness.
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In summary, shyness can often be misunderstood as rudeness. By allowing shy children the space to grow and feel comfortable, we can help them navigate social situations with greater ease.