My son struggles with self-harm. My sweet, gentle, and loving 7-year-old, Max, is caught in this painful cycle, and it shatters my heart.
Saying those words feels surreal. I never imagined I would be putting “self-harm” and “7-year-old son” together like this. Typically, self-harming behaviors bring to mind images of troubled teenagers hiding their pain. But when Max self-harms, it’s anything but a secret; everyone around knows.
This behavior is part of his life and his way of dealing with the overwhelming sensory overload he experiences as a result of his autism. Max was diagnosed with autism at just 18 months old. Back then, I was clueless about what autism really meant—my understanding came solely from movies like Rain Man. Now, five years later, autism is a constant presence in my thoughts.
Max first displayed signs of self-harm when he was around 2. One moment he’d be happily playing, and the next, he would be on the floor crying, bouncing on his knees in distress. At that time, we didn’t have a clear understanding of what was happening. Max is nonverbal, so we thought it might simply be frustration from not being able to communicate his needs.
As time went on, his behaviors escalated. We learned to differentiate between a tantrum and a meltdown. Unlike tantrums, which often have a trigger and some control, meltdowns arise from sensory overload, leaving him confused and scared. Identifying what sets them off is often a mystery, and calming him down can take time.
From bouncing on his knees, he progressed to stomping his feet, then hitting his arms and legs until they were raw. Eventually, he began slamming his hands against walls or furniture during meltdowns. One day, he started hitting his own face, and that was particularly hard to watch. The sight of my child repeatedly striking himself is something I can’t even begin to fathom.
If you’ve ever tried hitting yourself in a moment of frustration, you know there’s a limit to how hard you can go. But Max doesn’t seem to have that boundary. Tears stream down his face while he continues, alternating between slapping his cheeks and punching the sides of his head.
Two years ago, the intensity and frequency of these meltdowns skyrocketed. There were stretches when he would be in meltdown mode for up to eight hours a day—sometimes waking in the middle of the night, still half-asleep, and slapping himself. It feels like there are two different boys within him; the sweet, loving Max and a version of him that is engulfed in rage, targeting himself.
We’ve tried numerous approaches—changing his diet, seeking medical evaluations, and attempting to understand and prevent triggers. We have explored various therapies, distractions, and even periods of ignoring the meltdowns. Initially, the only thing that seemed to soothe him was driving around while listening to music, sometimes at odd hours. I found myself taking him in the car for hours, desperately trying to find a way to help him.
I’ve experienced anger, frustration, and deep sadness. I’ve shouted, begged him to stop, and even wished he would redirect that anger toward me instead. Just please, don’t hurt yourself!
Over the past year, there’s been some improvement. Now, he typically has only three or four meltdowns a day, and on better days, they last just a few minutes. On bad days, they can stretch to an hour.
I love Max more than anything, and I’ve come to embrace his autism as part of who he is. He is a beautiful, nonverbal, and loving 7-year-old boy whose smile can brighten any room. I’ve learned to handle his self-harming behaviors with more patience. I remain calm during his meltdowns and work to alleviate any stressors that may trigger them. While I know that his meltdowns will pass, each time it happens, it still fractures my heart just a little more.
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Summary:
This article shares a heartfelt account of a father’s experience with his son Max, who struggles with self-harm due to autism. It explores the emotional challenges of witnessing a child endure meltdowns, the journey of understanding autism, and the efforts made to support him. The father expresses his love and acceptance of Max, acknowledging the ongoing struggle while finding ways to cope and support his son.