Why Special Needs Kids Are Like Traffic Jams

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Recently, I found myself caught in a frustrating traffic jam while taking my son to preschool. Cars were piled up along the main road, and officers were redirecting traffic elsewhere. My initial reaction to the flashing lights was annoyance; I thought, “Great! Now he’ll be late for school, and I’ll be late for work.”

After dropping my son off, I apologized to his teacher and explained the delay. She informed me that there had been a devastating house fire nearby, leaving the family with nothing. Instantly, my perspective shifted. My petty frustrations faded away as I began to think about the family that had lost everything. Suddenly, my own concerns felt trivial and selfish. I realized I had only considered how the traffic jam impacted me. Instead of feeling compassion and empathy, I had reacted with irritation and anger. That’s when it struck me—my son is like a traffic jam.

My child has ADHD and experiences at least one significant meltdown daily. These outbursts can be triggered by a range of things: feeling frustrated with homework, stumbling while playing a game, or struggling to sit still in a restaurant. For a young child with ADHD, almost anything can set off a meltdown, which is their way of coping with overwhelming emotions.

In the past, I would react with anger when he had a meltdown, yelling things like, “Stop it! You’re too old for tantrums!” If it happened in public, I felt the stares from other parents who looked at us with judgment. I’d try to calm him down with a game on my phone, but that approach wasn’t effective. I was missing the point.

Instead of acknowledging my son’s feelings, I was trying to brush them aside and deny their existence. I wouldn’t expect to be happy all the time, so why should I expect that from him? It’s completely normal to feel sad, frustrated, or angry occasionally. But for children with ADHD, these emotions are often magnified. As adults, we tend to process our feelings by talking them out or finding other outlets like exercise or reading. Kids, however, are still figuring out how to self-soothe. Sometimes, they don’t even know what they’re feeling, which makes it all the more frustrating when we ask, “What’s wrong?”

Now, instead of denying my son’s emotions, I make it my responsibility to acknowledge what he is feeling. During a meltdown, I calmly talk through it with him and help him find a solution. If I stay calm, he’s more likely to follow suit.

However, this all changes when we’re in public. When people see my son having a meltdown, they often react like he’s just another traffic jam. They get irritated and sometimes even angry. For instance, if a couple is out for a romantic dinner next to us, everything might be perfect until my son gets hungry and frustrated while waiting for his food. When the crying starts, they may glare at us, judging him as “a brat” and me as “not controlling my child.” Just like I didn’t consider the cause of the traffic jam, they likely overlook the underlying reasons for my son’s meltdown. Their focus is on how their evening has been interrupted.

If only they understood what was happening in my son’s mind, they might be more compassionate. In these moments, I urge you, please don’t be quick to judge. Children with special needs are not just obstacles on your path; they are navigating challenges you may not even be aware of. Instead of getting frustrated, consider what might be causing their distress. Practicing empathy can make a world of difference for both the child and their parents.

If you know the parents personally and feel compelled to offer advice, please tread lightly. They know their child best and what works for them. Instead, show your support in a way that respects their journey. Parents of special needs children often need a helping hand, so let them know you’re there for them, but allow them to take the lead.

Next time you encounter a traffic jam—literal or metaphorical—take a moment to reflect on what might be causing the delay. Instead of honking your horn or expressing frustration, practice patience and understanding. You might just find a great song on the radio to enjoy while you wait, and before you know it, things will be moving smoothly again.

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In summary, it’s essential to cultivate empathy and understanding for children with special needs and their families. Just as traffic jams can be frustrating without context, so too can meltdowns. By practicing compassion, we can foster a more supportive environment for everyone involved.