My Love-Hate Relationship with Shared Custody

Updated: Sep. 26, 2023

Originally Published: Oct. 2, 2015

Someone once said that life is beautifully tragic, and honestly, that sums up the mix of joy and pain we all face. It’s incredible yet heartbreaking, often simultaneously. This sentiment rings especially true when it comes to shared custody. It can be tough, but there are also some bright spots that soften the blow of knowing my kids will spend part of their childhood away from me.

I still remember the day when my co-parents and I hashed out the custody schedule as the kids were about to start school. We decided that the kids would be with me and my partner during the week, and with their dad and step-mom on weekends. Initially, I was defensive about the arrangement, but as the reality set in, I found myself heartbroken. The thought of them never jumping on our bed on Saturday mornings or enjoying Sunday comics together was gut-wrenching. I longed to be there for them during school nights for homework help, but I also craved those weekend moments. Apparently, that doesn’t quite fit the definition of shared custody. Ugh!

Fast forward a few years, and I’ve adjusted better than I thought I would. I have a love-hate relationship with shared custody. I will always dislike it, but I’ve also learned to appreciate it as well. Here’s how:

What I Hate

I absolutely hate not knowing what they’re up to on weekends. When I ask, they shrug and say, “I dunno. Stuff. I ate corn,” and that’s often the end of it. I’m left in the dark about their weekend routine. Once, we got a new movie to surprise them, only to find out they had already seen it at their dad’s house weeks before. Their first trip to Disneyland? With their dad. That stung for a while. There are so many little moments of childhood I’ll miss, and that’s hard to swallow.

What I Love

On the flip side, I adore my “weekends off.” Every Friday morning, I brew coffee, turn on the radio, and help the kids get ready for school. We walk together, and I make sure to tell them I love them at least five times. My youngest lingers for hugs because she knows it’s part of our routine. Every Friday means they head to school from my house but go home to their dad’s afterward. So, like clockwork, we have a girls-free weekend. We still have our youngest to jump on the bed Saturday morning, but the quiet that blankets our home when we transition from three kids to one is blissful.

Going from a family of five to just a couple with one child makes things simpler. Sunday breakfasts only require one extra plate instead of three kids’ meals, and outings to the mountains mean loading just one child instead of three. When we want an adult weekend, we only need to find childcare for one. Events like weddings become less stressful, as we attend as a family of three instead of five. Those weekends provide much-needed time to recharge after a hectic week and prepare for the one ahead.

As we drive down the highway every Sunday at 4:40 p.m., I know our week is about to kick off. The quiet ride will soon be filled with chatter, and our family will feel whole again. When they ask what we did, I’ll answer, “I dunno. Stuff. We ate corn,” to spare them feelings of exclusion. The week begins again, chaos ensues, and I’m filled with happiness when the girls are home.

Sharing the Title of “Mom”

I dislike sharing the title of “mom.” I’ll never forget the first time I met their step-mom. I was shopping alone when I spotted my daughters in a store. They ran out to hug me, and suddenly, their dad and his girlfriend appeared. I kept the encounter short but knowing she would be part of their lives bothered me. I never planned to share the role of mom with someone I hadn’t even met. Fast forward a couple of years, and they were married. My older daughter once called her “Mama,” and I felt a surge of anger. When the girls’ handmade Mother’s Day crafts came home to the other house, I snapped at my ex-husband, “How dare she take my macaroni necklaces!”

However, I also love that the girls have another mom. I excel in many areas of motherhood, but hair styling isn’t my strong suit. Luckily, their step-mom has a gift for it. She braids, curls, and decorates their hair, offering them comfort and care when I’m not around. She’s stepped into the role of their “other mother” beautifully, and they are fortunate to have her.

I’ve come to terms with sharing the title of mom and letting go of the Mother’s Day crafts. I don’t own this role; we both contribute to their upbringing. Together, we can support the girls, filling in each other’s gaps, whether that’s through hair artistry or emotional support.

Navigating Moral Differences

Navigating moral differences with another family is challenging. After our divorce, my ex embraced Christianity, a stark contrast to my own beliefs. This became a significant issue when my older daughter told me I was “going to hell.” Now, they pray before dinner, and while I accept their beliefs, I’ve struggled with the rituals flowing into my home.

What I love, however, is that the girls are growing up to embrace diversity. Each home offers different rules and approaches. At my place, we’re more laid-back, and I’ve come to appreciate how this contrast enriches their lives. They’ve learned that prayer is a personal choice and that city life differs greatly from country living, enhancing their understanding of the world.

Embracing Our Unique Family

Our family is unique, and the kids seem proud of it. They’ve asked why we can’t live next door to each other, but they’ve never questioned why our family of nine can’t be a family of four again. They love that they have two dads, two moms, two brothers, and two sisters. When they draw family portraits, they include all nine stick figures.

Adjusting to not being the sole “Queen Mom” was tough. I still sometimes tear up when they leave, cramming in as many “I love yous” as possible on Fridays, hoping it will carry them until Sunday. Despite the challenges, shared custody has its perks. I may always hate missing out on parts of their childhood, but I’m committed to making the best of it and enjoying the advantages it brings. Shared custody is a mix of awful and awesome, and I’m learning to embrace both.

If you found this article relatable or interesting, you might enjoy our other blog posts, including tips on navigating shared parenting. For more resources on home insemination, check out this link.

In summary, the experience of shared custody can be filled with both challenges and joys. While the pain of missing out on certain moments is real, the unique dynamics it creates in a child’s life can also lead to a rich understanding of family and diversity. Embracing this journey means finding balance and appreciating the special moments, both alone and together as a family.