Before I became a parent, I was a firm believer in the enchantment of childhood. Back then, the phrase brought to mind idyllic scenes of sunlit fields, where a child in pristine white attire would come running toward me in slow motion, giggling like a tiny angel.
Oh, how naive I was!
First off, my child’s clothes—along with my own—are perpetually stained, so choosing white is just asking for trouble. Secondly, life is far less cinematic and more like a slapstick comedy. And don’t get me started on the sun; with my fair skin, I’ve learned the hard way to avoid sun-soaked fields, sporting instead a permanent sunburn that looks like a badge of honor.
The true wonder of childhood, I’ve come to realize, is more akin to the bizarre acts you’d encounter at a circus or a Las Vegas show—mysterious, perplexing, and often requiring a drink or two to fully comprehend. And trust me, there’s nothing up the magician’s sleeve—unless you count the remnants of last night’s mac ‘n cheese.
So, as you step into the colorful chaos of parenthood, here are 10 of the acts you’ll likely find yourself unwittingly involved in by the time your little one starts kindergarten:
- The Escape Artist
This is the first trick your baby performs when you try to swaddle them for a nap. Check back in 10 minutes, and your mini Houdini has one arm liberated, waving it like a victory flag. As they grow, they’ll master climbing out of cribs, using toys as makeshift ladders. Soon enough, they’ll develop a knack for slipping out of your grasp at the park, leaving you holding nothing but an empty jacket. - Sleight of Hand
Initially, you’ll be a pro at swapping out your real keys for fake ones, but soon your child learns about object permanence. Before you know it, they’ll be clutching mysterious objects you didn’t even know were in your house. It’s like they can conjure up stuff from thin air. And even as they get older, just look away at the playground, and they’ll be holding a stick that’s questionable at best. - The Zig Zag Lady: That’s Me!
Some days, it feels like you’re contorted in a box, your body pulled in all directions while your mind is left behind. Juggling work and parenting can feel like a circus act in itself. When you’re at work, you miss your child; when you’re with your child, work seems so much easier—at least there, you can think and sip coffee while it’s hot! - The Disappearing Act
Once your little one arrives, prepare to bid farewell to several things: sleep, sanity, the last piece of cake, and any semblance of free time. Those illusions of control? Gone. Your pride? Poof! - The Endless Scarf
This trick happens during potty training when you leave your toddler alone in the bathroom and return to find all the toilet paper rolls unraveled on the floor. Voilà! - Cup and Balls
This is where Dad shines—except replace “and” with “his.” This isn’t a trick but rather an essential survival skill! - What’s in the Hat?
Don’t reach in without looking first! Instead of finding doves or rabbits, you’ll likely discover some rather unsavory surprises like vomit or sticky gooey messes. - The Bullet Catch
What moves faster than your eye can follow and has a questionable relationship with dental hygiene? - Three-Card Monte: The Short Con
This describes your child perfectly. You and your partner are the unsuspecting marks, and when she asks you to “pick a card, any card,” just know the magic is that you’ll never guess it right. - The Vanishing Coin Trick
Abracadabra! You’re broke.
This piece was originally published on Oct. 10, 2015. For more insights into parenting and home insemination, check out this other blog post. You can also find a wealth of information on pregnancy and home insemination at this excellent resource.
In summary, parenting is a whirlwind of unpredictable magic tricks, where the only certainty is that you’ll be entertained—if not exhausted—by the adventure of it all.