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Am I Ashamed to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom?
I often find myself feeling a bit self-conscious about being a stay-at-home mom. It seems like I’m constantly making excuses for my choices and defending my time, not just to others but to myself. I sometimes think that nobody is really watching, but the critic inside my head is always there. When I finally have a moment to breathe, I feel compelled to get up and do something productive. After all, can I really afford to just sit and scroll through my phone? Surely I can’t be that lazy.
I’m not here to debate the societal value of stay-at-home parents—that conversation has been had. What I do wonder about is how we measure our own worth post-decision. For instance, what would you think of me if I shared that I recently had three glorious hours to myself while the kids were at school? Instead of worrying about finances, job searching, or chores, I chose to spend an hour and a half in a yoga class during the day! Afterward, I even treated myself to a coffee for just $1.34.
I know the judgments that might cross your mind. I hear them in my own head too: spoiled, privileged, lazy. Clearly, if I can spare time for yoga in the middle of a weekday, I’m not contributing to society in any meaningful way. Those thoughts are all rooted in societal expectations.
What I’ve come to realize is that this isn’t about being a stay-at-home mom; it’s about how our culture associates worth with constant busyness. In America, being busy has become a badge of honor: “Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness.” If we’re constantly on the go, our lives must be important, right?
Stay-at-home parents often feel the need to prove our value by staying busy—not just to others, but also to ourselves. In a world that prizes busyness, how does a stay-at-home mom, who dares to grab a coffee during the day, find her worth? I went to yoga in the morning, fitting the stereotype that so many people disdain. It’s a narrative that has seeped into my self-perception, making me question my choices and feel inadequate.
In a society that celebrates those who juggle it all—cooking, cleaning, running businesses, while still finding time to read the latest bestseller and organize bake sales—it’s hard to gauge my own worth. It’s evident how I’m being evaluated.
This realization has shown me that the true crux of the so-called “Mommy Wars” isn’t about who struggles more. It’s about our culture’s prioritization of busyness: the busier you are, the more important you seem to society. We engage in debates over who has the fuller calendar, as if that somehow validates our existence.
Does it really matter who is deemed more irreplaceable because of their packed schedule? What’s truly important is our irreplaceable role in our families. That should be enough. Yet, I often find myself caught in this trap of comparison.
I don’t want to be overwhelmed or unhappy, constantly trying to do it all. I’ve been there, and I know that lifestyle isn’t for me. Everyone has their own path, and that hectic life works for many. But for me, it felt as out of place as Björk’s iconic swan dress. My family still chuckles about that phase, recalling how it just didn’t fit.
I’ve learned that my calm approach works better for everyone involved. Yet, I still struggle with self-judgment, particularly in relation to our culture’s obsession with being busy. I remember my high school teacher, dressed in a ridiculous costume, preaching the Puritan work ethic and instilling a sense of guilt about not working hard enough. That mindset has lingered with me, making it hard to shake off the feeling that busyness equates to worth.
So, how do we change this narrative? We need to start valuing rest and downtime just as much as we value hard work. A dear friend of mine once told me, “I absolutely love my life! I get to stay home and create, and I can be there for my kids. Yes, summers can be tough, but I cherish those moments of doing absolutely nothing just because I can. Why should I feel guilty about that?”
Implicit in her words is the question: Why should I apologize for enjoying what others might only dream of? Why should I feel the need to justify taking time for myself? To clarify, I’m not just lounging around watching TV and munching on tacos at 1 PM every day. But honestly, so what if I were? If I’m fulfilling my responsibilities and nurturing my family, I should be able to indulge in little pleasures without guilt.
As I approach 40, I find that my body is changing in ways I didn’t expect—hello, tacos! I have wrinkles and a few extra pounds. I’ve learned to embrace maturity, and I shouldn’t care what others think. I don’t need to chase some lofty standard of success or worry about my name being remembered for all the wrong reasons. I’ve grown to appreciate those who can do it all while also wanting to gently remind them that they don’t have to. The world will continue to thrive without the constant rush.
I’ve realized that happiness doesn’t always have to come from being busy. I want to change my mindset and truly love my life, just as my friend does.
In the end, it’s all about finding balance and understanding that our worth isn’t measured by how packed our schedules are.
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Summary
The article delves into the author’s feelings of self-doubt and cultural pressures as a stay-at-home mom. It explores the societal obsession with busyness and how it impacts self-worth. The importance of valuing downtime and enjoying life without guilt is emphasized, encouraging readers to appreciate their choices and embrace their unique paths.