The Mental Load of Motherhood

home insemination Kit

There’s so much I carry in my heart as a mom. I can still feel the thrill of my first baby’s first kicks—one felt like a little fish swimming inside me, while the other had a more delicate presence, like a gentle firefly flickering. I’ll never forget cradling my newborns right after they were born, their tiny, wailing bodies against my skin. I also hold the memory of the baby I lost in my heart, even though my time with them was brief. I often wonder what could have been and find myself mourning that little soul.

My heart carries fear, too. I remember the day my child fainted in the bathtub, and for a brief moment, I thought he was gone. Then there was that summer afternoon when my toddler dashed into a busy parking lot, and I sprinted after him as if I were in a race.

Oh, the love and wonder I have for my children is boundless, intertwined with an unyielding instinct to keep them safe. I expected all these feelings the moment I saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test. My heart expanded in an instant, overflowing with love.

What I didn’t foresee was the staggering amount of information I’d have to juggle in my mind. These little ones seem to have no concept of organization, yet their lives are so full: homework to complete, clothes that need washing (and must fit!), and a fridge that empties faster than I can restock it.

My husband, bless him, just doesn’t seem to keep track of these things. The minutiae of everyday life often escape him. He’s a fantastic dad and provider, but managing our family’s daily chaos isn’t his forte. So, the mental load falls on me, and I’ve become quite adept at it—perhaps too adept. This barrage of details has likely led to my persistent “momnesia.” It’s why I sometimes struggle to shut my mind off at night. Lately, even the crossword puzzles my third-grader brings home feel like brain-busters.

Here’s a glimpse into what occupies my thoughts these days:

• The whereabouts of each child’s water bottle, the amount left in them, and when they’ll need refilling.
• When my toddler last went to the bathroom, the details of that experience, and my educated guess on when the next round will occur (which is crucial for diaper stock).
• The contents of my kid’s backpack, down to the ruler at the bottom and that lint-covered mitten in the outer pocket. He’ll be asking for them soon, and I’ll know just where to find them.
• The state of every pair of pants my boys own, including how many holes they have and when they’ll need replacing.
• The precise hour each child fell asleep last night and woke up this morning, along with when the evening chaos will begin.
• A mental inventory of all the snacks in the cupboard and how much is left in each container.
• The location of every toy in the house, except for those pesky tiny pieces that seem to vanish into thin air.
• All the details of their last doctor and dental appointments, plus the dreaded week when I’ll need to schedule new ones.
• A never-ending list of items we need: library books to reserve, birthday wish-list toys, a new bathmat, vitamins to reorder, and those peanut butter crackers that can only be found at that specialty store three towns away.

It’s overwhelming! I know that someday, I’ll have space in my brain for other things, and perhaps I’ll even pick up a novel again (right now, anything over 800 words feels like too much). Bit by bit, my kids will start to remember some of these details themselves—I hope!

For now, my mind holds all of this. It’s both exhausting and mind-numbing, and I won’t lie, I sometimes resent it. Yet, when I reflect on how fleeting this time is, I find beauty in it all. From the patching of jeans to trimming their little ringlets, these are the moments that shape their lives—and mine—as their mom.

These two sweet boys have already captured my heart, so I guess I’ll let them snatch a few of my brain cells, too. I just hope I’ll reclaim some of them down the line.

If you’re interested in a deeper dive into topics like this, check out this post for more insights. And for those looking for the best advice on home insemination, Make a Mom is a fantastic resource to consider. Additionally, Facts About Fertility offers excellent information about pregnancy and home insemination.

In summary, motherhood is a beautiful whirlwind of love, worry, and endless responsibilities that often occupy our minds, but within this chaos lies the sweetness of the everyday moments we cherish.