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Postpartum Anxiety: When Motherhood Feels Daunting
Do I look like I’m in panic mode in that photo? Honestly, I can’t recall if I was actually terrified or just feeling the effects of the meds I received after my C-section. I distinctly remember thinking that the hospital food was the best I had ever tasted—only to find out that I was just really hungry from the pain meds!
Sure, I was overwhelmed, and a bit scared, but I thought that feeling terrified was just part of being responsible for two newborns. What if I messed up? What if I caused them permanent damage? And, heaven forbid, what if they grew up to be fans of the wrong team? The struggle was all too real.
In retrospect, I should have recognized the signs when just days after giving birth, I found myself yelling at a nurse, snapping at family members, and spiraling into a panic attack that only subsided when my doctor sat on the floor beside me, holding my hand, and my mom took me out for a coffee break. At the time, I chalked it all up to hormones and thought I’d bounce back. I was very mistaken.
I worried I would slip into depression—something I was familiar with and knew how to handle. What I didn’t realize was that anxiety would be the thief robbing me of any joy I could find in motherhood.
In the haze of those early days, I focused on just surviving. I scrubbed 20 bottles every day, obsessively ensuring they were perfectly lined up. The thought of running out of formula sent me into a panic. If I didn’t see at least three unopened tubs in the pantry, my mind raced with worst-case scenarios. What kind of crisis would keep us from getting more formula within 12 days? I didn’t know, but I was convinced it could happen.
One day, when I left the boys in the car with my partner for a quick run into the store, I came out to find the truck wasn’t in sight. In seconds, I was engulfed by a full-blown panic attack, tears streaming down my face, fearing the worst—that my partner had taken off with the boys. He had merely pulled over a little to wait for me.
I wouldn’t venture out of the house without packing 10 diapers and four bottles, convinced this was enough for at least an eight-hour trip. I had no idea where that notion came from, but I was convinced something could go wrong if I didn’t prepare.
As the boys grew older, my anxiety morphed. I went from worrying about them starving to fretting over their developmental milestones. When they weren’t talking or walking by their 15-month check-up, I panicked. Sure enough, they qualified for early intervention services due to developmental delays.
I felt like a failure. How could I be such a poor parent? I’m a smart person, but when it came to my own kids, I felt like a total imposter.
It took me two years to recognize that my perception was skewed. I spent that time trapped in fear and overwhelmed by every little change. If any of this resonates with you, please don’t wait as long as I did to seek help. Admitting something is off does not mean you have failed. You are not a bad mom. Hormonal imbalances and anxiety can be tricky. The good news? You can get help. You are definitely not alone. Studies show postpartum anxiety is actually more common than postpartum depression.
I’ve sought support and made significant strides in a short time. My first step was the hardest—reaching out to my doctor. He didn’t think I was crazy or a bad parent; he understood and guided me through treatment options.
You can get through this. A trip to the store doesn’t need to feel like a military operation, and a cough doesn’t mean your child is in peril. A little bump on the head is rarely life-threatening.
Now, my boys are thriving—full of laughter, curiosity, and intelligence. Sure, I still worry they might end up as fans of the wrong team, but I’m learning to let go of the need to control everything, and that feels liberating.
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Summary:
Postpartum anxiety can be overwhelming for new mothers, often manifesting through obsessive thoughts and fears about their children’s well-being. Recognizing the signs early is crucial, as is seeking help. Many mothers experience similar feelings, and support is available. The journey may be challenging, but with the right resources and guidance, it can lead to a thriving motherhood experience.