10 Completely Absurd Arguments I’ve Had With My 5-Year-Old

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I love engaging in conversations with others; I’m naturally chatty and enjoy a good laugh. I expect dialogues to be relatively sensible, sprinkled with humor and shared understanding—until I became a parent. Since welcoming my little ones into the world, I’ve found myself in countless bewildering and downright silly discussions with my eldest child (the youngest is still mastering the art of speech). Here are 10 hilariously nonsensical debates I’ve had with my 5-year-old.

1. Is Today Sunday?
   Every Sunday, my daughter receives her allowance, which she divides between saving and spending. Right now, she’s eyeing a peculiar $3 squishy pumpkin toy, complete with a witch’s hat. (I suspect the toy designers were having a wild day in the factory!) Daily, she queries, “Is today Sunday?” Even though I’m usually reliable with days of the week, her insistence has me second-guessing myself as we stroll to school.
2. Is It Morning Yet?
   More than once, I’ve found myself hovering over her bed at night, whispering urgently, “It’s still dark! Go back to sleep!” while she insists she can see “sparkles of light” and demands cereal.
3. Is Her Brother Touching Her?
   Her little brother is knocked out in his car seat, with only a drool pool to his name. “No one is touching you!” I exclaim for what feels like the millionth time as I drive.
4. Do You Really Need a Shirt?
   It’s a chilly 34 degrees outside, and my daughter is adamant about leaving the house in shorts and nothing else. After telling her repeatedly, “No, it’s way too cold,” I finally let her step outside half-naked to discover the frigid reality for herself.
5. How Much Toilet Paper Is Enough?
   When asked how much toilet paper is needed, I say, “just a small handful.” Apparently, she interprets this as using the entire roll but in a long, unmanageable strip that she flaps around.
6. What Does “Washing Your Hands” Mean?
   Does it involve merely dipping her fingers into the water for a second, or does it mean a full-on splash fest? These are the pressing questions we grapple with daily.
7. What’s Her Brother’s Name?
   To be fair, this debate started when she was 3, shortly after her baby brother arrived. I told her his name, and she staunchly argued that it was “Allie.” I began to wonder if fate was urging us to reconsider his name!
8. What Constitutes “Quiet Time”?
   Is loud singing acceptable? How quiet is “quiet”? I found myself defining the term “thump” in a way I never thought necessary.
9. How Urgent is Urgent?
   I’ve zoomed off the highway, screeching into a rest area to rush both kids to the bathroom, only to see my daughter strolling casually to the hand dryer, fiddling with the buttons. Only when I remind her of the urgency does she finally waltz to a stall!
10. What Counts as a Bite?
    When I encourage her to try a bite of casserole or roasted broccoli, she merely touches her forkful to her lips and declares, “That’s a bite!” I find myself defining “bite” as if I’m in a political debate. Eventually, I relent, saying, “Just wave the broccoli near your mouth,” and call it a win.

Perhaps as they grow older, our conversations will regain some coherence. However, my friends with teens warn me that we might then be arguing about curfews, and I can already envision myself asserting that 4 a.m. isn’t exactly a “reasonable” hour. “But there are sparkles of dawn!” I’ll protest while preparing a bowl of cereal.

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In summary, parenting can lead to some of the most absurd and amusing conversations with kids. While it can feel overwhelming, it’s all part of the adventure of raising little ones who keep us on our toes.