What If I Don’t Return?

Parenting Thoughts

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Every morning, as I’m driving my kids to daycare, we have the same little chat.

“Mom, will you pick us up?”

“Absolutely, my little sunshine! I always come back for you!”

“Mom, are you really coming back?”

“Yes, my love! I promise I’ll always return.”

Then I wrap my arms around them, shower them with kisses, and head off.

Lately, a haunting thought has been creeping into my mind. What if, one day, something unexpected happens, and I don’t make it back? What if I don’t return?

No matter where I’m headed—whether it’s just a quick run or a full day away—I always kiss my kids goodbye and reassure them I’ll be back soon. When they ask if I’ll return, I say, “I will always come back.” I pray every day that this will remain true. Yet, the harsh reality is that we never truly know what tomorrow holds. There is a possibility that one day, I might not return. This thought weighs heavily on my heart as a mother, especially as a single parent. Thankfully, I know that if anything were to happen to me, my loving family would step in for my children, ensuring they are cared for and cherished.

But that’s not really the crux of their question, is it? When my kids ask if I’m coming back, it’s not just about who will pick them up; it’s about me, their mom, being there for them. Can they count on me to be present in their lives? Will they always be able to depend on my love and support? That’s the reassurance they seek.

This need for a parent’s presence threads through their lives, instilling a deep-rooted sense of security within them. They need to know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I will always be there for them, no matter the circumstances.

The truth is, I won’t always be around. There will come a day when I will take my last breath, and I won’t be able to return. I fervently hope that day is many years away.

I want to witness every moment of my boys’ lives—their first steps, their first loves, their weddings. I want to be present at every game and special event. The thought of them searching for me and not finding me is unbearable.

My kids are still young, and I believe their daily questions stem from a need for consistency and comfort. They’ve never experienced a day when I haven’t been there to drop them off and pick them up, but they are aware of an absent parent. This awareness creates a heightened sensitivity to my return, even though they’ve never doubted it. I’m proud to be the one they can rely on every day, but I also can’t shake the thought of a future where that may not be possible.

As a mother, my biggest fear is leaving this world too soon and leaving my sons without their mom when they need me most. Is anyone ever prepared for that reality? This fear also resonates with me as a daughter. Even at 30, as a mother myself, I dread the day when my own mom is no longer here. I still need her just as much as I did when I was little.

My boys will always need me—whether it’s tying their shoes before school or adjusting their ties on their wedding day. A child always longs for their mother to return, and a mother needs to be there, even if only in spirit. I pray for the chance to be present for as long as possible.

Even when that day comes when I can’t physically be there for my boys, I hope they carry my love with them, knowing I did everything I could to be there for them. I want them to understand that I was their biggest supporter and would move mountains to be with them. They should feel my presence in every moment of their lives, even when I’m gone.

As long as it’s within my power, I will always come back for them.

If you’re interested in more insights on parenting and family matters, you might find this post on home insemination helpful. It’s essential to stay informed during your journey to parenthood. For further reading on fertility, check out this excellent resource on what to expect during your first IUI. And if you’re looking for guidance on your fertility journey, visit Make a Mom for expert advice.

In summary, as parents, we strive to provide our children with a sense of security and love, knowing that our time with them is precious. Even in the face of uncertainties, we hope to instill the belief that our love endures beyond our physical presence.