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Evaluating the Annual Halloween Candy Tax
They say the only certainties in life are death and taxes. As a somewhat responsible parent, I feel it’s my duty to share this little pearl of wisdom with the three kiddos running around my house. While we don’t often delve into the “death” part of that saying, I’m more than willing to discuss the concept of taxes when Halloween comes around.
Every year, around 9 p.m. on October 31, after we’ve peeled off the costumes and tucked the kids into bed, my partner and I raid their Halloween candy stash. We’re, ahem, checking for any suspicious items—think razor blades or poorly wrapped treats potentially laced with something nasty—because you know, safety first in our cozy neighborhood.
Okay, let’s be real. We’re totally stealing their candy. You got me.
Eventually, the kids start to notice that their candy haul seems to be disappearing much quicker than the one-piece-per-day limit we’ve set. This is when we have to come clean about our chocolate thievery.
Cue the Halloween Candy Tax (HCT) lecture, complete with a PowerPoint presentation and a game of Candyland to help ease the sting. During this talk, we explain that they really don’t need to munch on heaps of candy because it’s a dental disaster waiting to happen. We mention how our friendly pediatric dentist rewards kids who bring in their Halloween treats, which he then sends off to soldiers abroad. Healthy living and empty calories are discussed, you know, the usual spiel.
Then, we get down to brass tacks. We explain that privileges come with responsibilities, including taxes. As members of our family community, our kids enjoy the benefits of having food, clothes, a roof over their heads, toys, and loving parents. However, those perks sometimes come at a cost—like a few pieces of chocolate. It’s all about teaching them early about the realities of life, right?
We also reserve the right to impose a “sin” tax on their candy. Just as the government charges more for alcohol and tobacco, we get to claim a little extra sugar when the kids misbehave. A tantrum at the store? That’ll be a couple of Tootsie Rolls, please. Your room looks like a tornado hit it? That’ll cost you a Kit Kat. Left a cup of milk to ferment in my car for three weeks? That’s gonna wipe out your entire candy earnings from Oak Street.
As parents, we do so much for our kids. We cook, clean, teach them manners, help with homework, volunteer at school, drive them to activities, and love them unconditionally. All we really ask for in return are some hugs, a listening ear, and occasional tidiness.
Sometimes they hit the mark, and life is grand; other times, they owe the “Pied Piper” a few mini-Snickers bars for their little slip-ups. I’m perfectly fine with that—assessing the annual Halloween candy tax is just part of the fun!
For more on parenting tips, check out this post on home insemination. If you’re interested in more about this topic, Make A Mom is a great resource. Additionally, CDC’s FAQ on reproductive health is an excellent reference for anyone looking to learn more about fertility and pregnancy.
Summary
In this lighthearted reflection, Jamie Collins shares her family’s humorous take on the “Halloween Candy Tax,” a playful way to teach kids about taxes while sneaking a little chocolate for themselves. The annual candy raid leads to conversations about privileges and responsibilities, all wrapped in a fun family tradition that balances love and a sprinkle of discipline.