What Military Spouses Don’t Share About Homecoming

home insemination Kit

Last week, just two nights before my partner returned home after a four-month deployment (and preceding that, eight months filled with two-week trips), I woke up at 2 a.m. My daughter was curled up in her sleeping bag on the floor, having stirred from a bad dream a few hours earlier. Our loyal dog was snuggled on her bed beside her. Meanwhile, my toddler was sprawled out in my bed, with pillows propped up to keep her safe from rolling off. The room felt warm and cozy, with everyone peacefully asleep.

In that moment of exhaustion, I couldn’t help but reflect on how my little family had been managing on our own for nearly a year, with only brief visits from my partner. During this time, we made new friends, explored our neighborhood, and built a life together. As I surveyed the room, I realized just how full it felt—physically and emotionally.

The morning of his return, my phone buzzed incessantly with messages. “Aren’t you excited?” people asked. “I’m so happy for you!” they exclaimed. I understood their joy; it was a happy day for them. A family of four was reuniting, everything was falling into place. Yet, for those of us left behind, the reality is that prolonged separation requires a certain emotional detachment from your partner. You lean on friends and find joy in other aspects of life to cope.

As I drove to pick him up, with my kids practically bouncing in their seats, I couldn’t shake the anxiety of the adjustment that lay ahead. I’ve been through this many times before, and I know what’s coming. My partner and I have different parenting styles. Will we clash over that? Am I ready to share the bathroom again? What about the bed, the extra laundry, and meals? And what if we’ve lost our connection?

I know it sounds dramatic, but as I chatted with everyone that morning, I put on a brave face. Yes, I’m excited. Yes, everything will be great. But it’s daunting to welcome someone back into a family dynamic that has evolved over the past year. Adjustments must be made, and conversations that haven’t been necessary in months suddenly become crucial. A year is a long time; people change, often in unexpected ways. Starting over is intimidating.

I envied the innocent excitement my children showed. I remember feeling that way as a newlywed. But life is now more complex, with layers to every decision, and reintegrating someone into family life demands effort. Of course, we are incredibly thankful to have him back. Many families face far worse situations, and that realization humbles me.

Yet, homecoming is not a fairy tale. The first few days are filled with joy and consideration, but soon reality sets in. Kids may act out, couples might bicker over trivial matters, and there’s the underlying frustration: “Why do I still feel alone?” After a few weeks, though, things start to feel more normal. The magical moment of homecoming is fleeting, just a brief emotional high. Then comes the challenge of re-establishing family dynamics. It’s a new normal that can feel rocky, with arguments and adjustments as everyone finds their place again.

You might overhear conversations at preschool or the playground about upcoming deployments, worries about kids’ reactions, and plans for living arrangements. But when it comes to homecoming, those discussions become scarce. It feels ungrateful to admit fears or anxieties about the transition. We’re expected to be thrilled.

“Oh, you must be so excited!” someone might say. And while the spouse responds “Yes, we are! It’s wonderful!” there’s often a deeper story beneath the surface.

For more insights on family dynamics and challenges, check out this other blog post on our site.

To sum it up, welcoming a partner home after a deployment is a mixed bag of emotions. There’s joy, but also the reality of adjusting to a new family dynamic that will take time and effort to navigate.