Is Your Marriage Filled with Ambivalence?

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When most couples tie the knot, they envision a lifelong journey with their soulmate, filled with thrilling adventures, hearty laughter, and a sizzling romance. The idea is that together, they will find more joy than they could alone. But what happens when that dream doesn’t quite match reality?

Marriages can range from blissful unions to complete chaos, leaving many to wonder how some couples manage to stay together through thick and thin. Personally, I think if you can’t have an amazing marriage, you might as well be in a bad one where the choice to leave is clear-cut. The real struggle lies in those in-between relationships—where both partners feel a sense of dissatisfaction but can’t muster the courage to part ways.

Interestingly, new findings from a study at Brigham Young University in Utah suggest that these ambiguous marriages can also take a toll on your health. Belinda Luscombe, writing for Time, notes that Wendy Brooks, a psychology professor at BYU, gathered 94 couples to explore the link between marital satisfaction and heart health. Each couple answered questions about their relationship and behaviors.

The findings revealed that a staggering 75% of couples fall into what researchers called “ambivalent marriages.” Luscombe describes these relationships as ones where partners are generally great but exhibit some unsupportive or negative behaviors.

What’s particularly concerning is that those in these mediocre marriages actually had worse blood pressure than those in happy unions. While marriage typically offers health benefits—like improved overall well-being and longevity—this study indicated that only fulfilling marriages contribute positively to your health. In contrast, a less-than-great marriage can pose health risks.

Luscombe reports: “The unfortunate truth is that the boost in heart health associated with marriage is overshadowed by the stress of being in an ambivalent relationship. ‘Feeling invalidated by a partner can be more harmful than the benefits of validation,’ says Brooks.”

I often wonder how these so-so marriages compare to being happily single. Many women choose to stick it out, fearing the challenges and expenses that come with single life, not to mention the impact on any children involved. (In the BYU study, none of the participants had kids or relatives living with them.) From my perspective, a joyful existence is synonymous with a healthy one, whether you’re in a relationship or flying solo.

I’m also curious about the breakdown of that 75%. It’s a large number and likely encompasses a spectrum of feelings. Many people recognize their partners’ imperfections yet still find happiness. Others might suddenly realize, “I need to get out of this.” Ambivalence can mean anything from “barely tolerable” to “occasionally dissatisfied.” Everyone must find their own tipping point. If you’re on the fence, I’ve heard great things about the book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay.

Luscombe wraps up with some optimism: “The good news is that for most people, this situation is fixable,” says Brooks. It’s often straightforward to identify behaviors that might be dragging your partner down—just ask! Plus, gently explaining what would improve emotional and intellectual intimacy can be a game-changer. And don’t forget: therapists are a fantastic resource for navigating these challenges.

But if improvements don’t happen? That could be the nudge some ambivalently married folks need to transition to a happier, divorced life.

For more insights on navigating relationships and family planning, check out our other post on home insemination here, and learn from the experts at Make a Mom about at-home insemination kits. Additionally, you can find valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination at News Medical.

Summary:

Many couples experience ambivalent marriages, where feelings of dissatisfaction linger but the desire to leave isn’t strong. Recent research indicates that these types of marriages can negatively affect health, particularly blood pressure. It’s essential for couples to communicate and seek help if needed, as many struggles can be fixed. Ultimately, understanding your own happiness and health is vital, whether you are in a relationship or single.