Navigating Motherhood as a Child of Divorce

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When I was just 5 years old, my parents decided to separate. This marked the beginning of a whirlwind few years that included moving across the country, changing schools constantly, and experiencing the rollercoaster ride of my parents reuniting and then parting ways for good. By the time I was 8, my dad had remarried. He remained a part of my life, but I often think of myself as being raised by a single mom, especially after my mom moved back across the country. This meant I only got to see my dad during summer breaks.

My parents were genuinely good people, and I always felt their love, but my childhood was also filled with chaos, fear, and a series of shattered expectations. While I believe divorce was the right decision for my parents, I can’t ignore how it has colored my view of marriage and family.

In a fortunate turn of events, I found a partner who is the complete opposite of my parents’ relationship. My husband, Jake, and I have been together since high school, 22 years in total, and we’ve been happily married for 14. Unless something unforeseen happens, I can’t see our marriage ending anytime soon. We are blessed with two amazing sons who bring us so much joy, and we work as a team in parenting.

Despite this, there’s always a lingering fear within me that everything could come crashing down, just as it did in my childhood. Even though I know it’s irrational, that worry is deeply rooted, like an itch that I can’t quite reach. You would think that with time, these feelings would fade, but life often isn’t that simple.

On most days, I manage to be a regular wife and mom. Motherhood can be tough, and that’s expected. Yet, there are moments when something triggers me, and I transform back into that little girl filled with heartbreak. Mornings are particularly challenging when I’m trying to get my sons ready for school. With Jake gone before we wake up, I often feel engulfed by a sense of dread. Nobody seems to hear me, I’m running on fumes, and I worry that my children will be late, which would make me look like a terrible mom.

When I retreat to the bathroom, I hear the chaos outside. I sit there and think, “I’m completely alone. I do everything, and nobody cares.” The frustration builds when my son refuses to put on his shoes or complains about his heavy backpack. As the clock ticks down towards tardiness, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, just like my mom must have felt. It’s overwhelming, and I often wonder if I can keep it together.

When Jake comes home, we often find ourselves arguing over trivial matters. He forgot to take the trash out, I accuse him of not listening, and soon we are caught in a cycle of blame. Instead of focusing on resolving the argument, I spiral into thoughts about whether our marriage is as solid as I believed. I start to envision a future where we’re a divorced family, questioning if I’ve been living in a fantasy.

For children of divorce, even minor issues can loom larger than life. Loneliness and helplessness can feel magnified, with the constant fear that any goodness you experience could be snatched away.

Over the years, I’ve learned to recognize when I’m slipping into those old patterns, living in the past instead of the present. Each day, I’m becoming more comfortable in my role as an adult, understanding that my current family life is distinct from my childhood. Every new day is an opportunity for gratitude and faith in what I have.

Yet, the echoes of my childhood will always be part of me. All I can do is acknowledge that and work to let go. I’m increasingly nurturing the little girl I once was, showing her that life holds more than the pains of childhood. There are second chances and blessings waiting just around the corner.

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In summary, navigating motherhood while grappling with the aftermath of divorce is a journey filled with ups and downs. Acknowledging the past while embracing the present can help us foster healthier relationships and nurture our own inner child.