Is Guilt a Part of Motherhood?

home insemination Kit

My 32-week appointment felt just like all the others. Heartbeat strong? Check. Measuring on track? Check. Weight gain? You bet!

“Only eight more weeks!” my midwife said with a bright smile.

“Ugh! I was hoping for a mix-up and that I’d be having the baby tomorrow. I’m so over this,” I replied.

She chuckled. “I’m afraid it’s the final stretch. Hang in there, and try to enjoy it.”

As I wiped the sticky gel off my belly, I felt huge, uncomfortable, and honestly kind of sad. Enjoy this time? I had loathed every second of my pregnancy, and it seemed to be getting worse. How could I possibly survive another two months? Just the thought made me want to cry.

Five days later, my water broke, and after eight days of bed rest at the hospital, I welcomed a tiny premature baby into the world.

Motherhood hit me like a tidal wave of emotions: joy, frustration, fear, compassion, anxiety, empathy, and love. I felt them all, sometimes simultaneously. It was overwhelming but also totally normal. I was ready for that. What I wasn’t prepared for was the wave of guilt that crashed over me.

From the moment my little one entered this world, I was hit with a crushing sense of guilt that felt like it was weighing me down. It was as if my body had finally said, “You want out? Here you go!” I convinced myself that my selfish feelings had somehow caused my early labor. It sounds silly, and my doctors assured me it was a random occurrence beyond my control, but the guilt lingered. It consumed my thoughts almost as much as my dreams of a solid night’s sleep.

I felt guilty when they said our baby would head straight to the NICU. I felt guilt every single time I visited him there and even more when I wasn’t there, even though I was either pumping milk or scrambling to get our home ready for him (we hadn’t even had our baby shower yet!). I felt guilty that he had to come home on a breathing monitor, worried that his lungs weren’t fully developed. I felt guilty that he was too tiny to latch on properly.

I was drowning in guilt.

Now, my son is 5 months old, healthy, happy, and absolutely perfect—not just in my eyes but also in the eyes of doctors. Yet, the guilt doesn’t go away. Every time I manage to forgive myself for a parenting mistake, whether it’s something significant like having a preemie or something minor like not reading to him before bed, there’s always something new to feel guilty about.

Here’s a glimpse of the silly things I’ve felt guilty about today, and it’s only 3 p.m.:

• I didn’t kiss my husband goodbye this morning. Oh, and I forgot last night, too. Guilt x 2.
• I didn’t take my dog for a long walk during lunch.
• I dropped the baby off at his babysitter still in his pajamas.
• I dropped him off, period. I thought I was okay with going back to work, but guilt lingers.
• I’m working from home but have done more housework than actual work.
• I haven’t done enough housework.
• I spent $60 on a custom baby book from Etsy and haven’t filled out a single page.
• I haven’t switched out my seasonal clothes because I just haven’t had the energy.
• I stopped pumping.
• I can’t afford those cute plaid shirts and cardigans for my little guy like you see on Pinterest, so he’s stuck in hand-me-down sweatpants.
• I bought myself coffee from a fancy shop instead of using our coffee maker at home.
• I haven’t worn makeup in months—and I mean it.
• I haven’t worn my hair down in weeks. (Seriously.)
• I haven’t hit the gym since giving birth, yet I won’t cancel my membership because I plan to start taking spin classes… next week.

I can still remember when guilt wasn’t part of my daily thoughts. Before I had another human depending on me for everything, I didn’t think twice about splurging on new boots or enjoying that extra glass of wine.

Perhaps guilt is simply part of motherhood.

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Summary:

This article explores the pervasive guilt that often accompanies motherhood, highlighting the emotional rollercoaster new moms experience. From feeling overwhelmed about their baby’s health to struggling with daily responsibilities, the guilt can be relentless. It’s a shared experience that many mothers face, reminding us that while guilt may be a constant companion, it’s important to acknowledge it and learn to forgive ourselves.