Updated: July 27, 2016
Originally Published: November 8, 2015
There’s a certain tone in her voice and a look on her face when my daughter enters the room that tells me she wants to talk about something weighing on her mind. Unfortunately, it’s a dilemma that I feel completely helpless to resolve.
Before my kids were even born, I had a parenting strategy mapped out. I wanted them to know they were loved while also establishing boundaries that showed I cared. I aimed to nourish their bodies and minds while allowing for plenty of fun—lots of veggies but just a few cookies!
For a solid 15 years, my plan seemed like a success, and I’m forever thankful for that period. I’ll definitely be expressing my gratitude over the turkey this holiday season.
The stereotype of a teenager suggests that my daughter should view me as a relic from the past, but, surprisingly, she thinks I have all the answers. The challenge lies in her issues. As a not-so-girly mom navigating the world of teenage girlhood, I find myself grappling with the same concerns she faces. Reflecting back to my own teenage years, I realize I didn’t handle those challenges well. Even if I could carry the wisdom I have now back to my youth, I’d still struggle. So, my advice often amounts to “just hang in there.”
I know that’s not ideal. Kids absorb lessons from our actions, not our words. How can I instill confidence in her when I’m wrestling with my own insecurities? How can I guide her through friendship troubles, knowing I’ve had my share of disappointments?
In her younger years, her tears were usually tied to clear, fixable issues. Now, though, her struggles are more complex, filled with feelings and relationships. I’m not one for drama, especially when it comes to emotions—unless it’s a Tom Hanks movie! I’m not one to coddle; I believe in facing life head-on. But what do I do with this sensitive, brilliant daughter who gives her all to others, risking heartbreak?
So where does that leave us? I find myself wanting to offer practical advice about her future career or study techniques, but I shy away from the emotional topics of boys and friendships. The ideal mother in my head whispers, “You should be ashamed!” Meanwhile, another voice questions whether my attempts at guidance might do more harm than good.
Common wisdom suggests that I should just listen and support her as she navigates her own path. I’ve tried that, but she’s persistent and wants specific answers. When I feel the pressure mounting, I often find myself at my breaking point. I warn her, but instead of easing up, she amplifies her emotional outpouring. I’m left feeling frustrated, and it doesn’t end well.
Why can’t she see the truth? I genuinely want to help her, but I’m more practical than emotional. If she stopped confiding in me, I’d be worried for numerous reasons—wondering if she no longer needs me, if she’s in trouble, or if she simply dislikes me. This is why my little daydream of her not seeking my advice has to stay a fantasy.
Being a parent who puts in the effort to engage, even if it feels futile, is far better than being the kind who neglects setting boundaries just to befriend their child. For now, I’ll continue to encourage her to find solutions through her own experiences while keeping my opinions on sensitive topics to myself, even if she insists on hearing them.
I guess I finally understand why grandmothers cherish their time with little ones. If I ever have the chance to fix things with a simple hug and a kiss again, I’ll relish it—and maybe even sneak in a cookie!
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Summary:
Navigating the challenges of parenting a teenage daughter can be overwhelming, especially when it comes to emotional issues that feel familiar yet foreign. Despite the urge to offer practical advice, it often leads to frustration and confusion. As a parent, the best approach may be to encourage self-discovery while remaining present and supportive, understanding that the journey is just as important as the solutions.