A Friendly Guide to Nurturing Your Spirited, Emotional, or Challenging Child

Updated: November 10, 2015
Originally Published: November 10, 2015

My eldest child, who is now a glorious 20, was a particularly colicky baby. For the first eight months, she cried incessantly, which made those early days quite tough. However, once we weathered that storm, she transformed into an adorable toddler. She didn’t throw tantrums; if I said, “Don’t touch that, it’s sharp,” she accepted it—because it was sharp. We co-slept for a year, and even after transitioning to her own bed, she went to sleep without any fuss. She never hit or bit; she was a joy in every sense.

I felt pretty proud of my parenting skills. Parenting? NAILED IT.

Then came the surprise announcement of baby number two (oops) when my firstborn, Lily, was just two. My pregnancy was a real rollercoaster ride, to say the least—definitely not a walk in the park.

When Ethan arrived, he was an adorable chunk weighing nine pounds. He walked and talked early, hitting every milestone ahead of schedule. Life was good, until he turned one.

That’s when the tantrums began. The screaming, the early morning wake-ups—5 a.m. was his favorite hour. The hitting, pinching, and more of that relentless screaming followed. Remember when I thought I was the best mom ever? Yeah, that was gone in an instant.

Through my journey as a parent of five (yes, it took that many to learn), I’ve discovered that some traits in kids come from their upbringing, while others are simply part of who they are. And sometimes, despite our best efforts, we can’t control everything.

Ethan was born with an energetic spirit that manifested as hitting and biting. Now, at 17, he’s a bright, kind, and talented kid—an impressive 6’3” trumpet player who rarely bites anymore. It just took time for everything to settle down. And thankfully, his younger brother was a breeze to handle. Then came Ella, who brought back the screaming and hitting.

So here I am, nearly 500 words in, sharing my story to let you know that you’re not alone.

Over the past 20 years, I haven’t perfected anything, but I’ve certainly tried many things. Here’s what I’ve learned about parenting spirited kids that might make you question your abilities:

1. Smart Kids Can Be Challenging

Sometimes, the kids who give you the hardest time are the ones with the brightest minds. Frustration often arises from a lack of understanding. Sit down with your child, and help them grasp what’s going on. In Ethan’s case, he desperately needed clarity on things that were just beyond his grasp.

2. Alone Time Can Be Beneficial

Little ones often struggle to manage their emotions and may need some solitude to regroup. If I feel myself getting overwhelmed or if they are too upset to hear me, I’ll say, “I see you need some time alone. I’ll be nearby if you need me.”

3. Crying is Natural

Sometimes kids just need to cry. It’s a release, and they don’t always understand that. Offer them a safe space to let those tears flow, reminding them that you’re there if they need support.

4. Establish Routines

A consistent routine can provide much-needed stability, especially for emotional children. For example, if they’re upset about wanting to watch TV, having a set time for screen time can create structure and reduce anxiety.

5. Physical Comfort

In moments of intense emotion, a hug or close physical contact can be grounding. Sometimes, all they need is a big, comforting hug to help them calm down.

6. Emotional Feedback Loop

Your feelings can greatly influence your child’s emotions. They often mirror your behavior, so maintaining your calm is crucial. If necessary, take a moment for yourself—breathe deeply or play some soothing music.

7. Limit Choices

Offer two simple choices instead of overwhelming them with options. For instance, “Would you like grapes or apples?” This gives them a sense of control without feeling overwhelmed.

You’re doing your best, and that’s all anyone can ask for. You will get through this phase, and you’re definitely not alone on this journey.

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Summary

Parenting spirited or challenging children can be a rollercoaster ride, but you’re not alone. By understanding their needs, establishing routines, and providing emotional support, you can navigate this journey with more ease. Remember, you’re doing your best, and it’s all about progress, not perfection.