In the last month of my first pregnancy, my partner, Alex, and I endured four exhausting evenings of birthing classes. The final session focused on postpartum depression (PPD) and how to support both baby and mama during those precious early weeks. I can still picture the instructor mentioning that PPD was more common in women with prior mood disorders. I nudged Alex and whispered, “That’s me! Previous mood disorder,” referencing my earlier diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder. Thankfully, therapy had helped me manage it well. Alex nodded, studying the symptoms intently, convinced that together we could prevent any PPD from creeping in.
But once our daughter, Mia, entered the world, all those pre-parenting ideas vanished in an instant. The early weeks were a chaotic blend of breastfeeding issues, hormonal highs and lows, and the discomfort of post-surgical recovery—but I wasn’t depressed. I even laughed off my frequent crying spells, joking that they were merely the last remnants of pregnancy hormones escaping through my tears.
Instead, I was overwhelmed by:
- Fear: I often found myself unable to sleep with the lights off, feeling an urgent need to keep an eye on Mia. At night, dread and panic would wash over me.
- Catastrophizing: I’ve always had a tendency to jump to the worst conclusions, but postpartum anxiety pushed me to new heights. If breastfeeding was tough, it meant long-term issues ahead. A little tiredness? Surely, it signaled major problems.
- Irrational Anger: Although I’m not naturally an angry person, I found myself frequently irritable and snapping at Alex for the smallest things.
- Regret: One day at the grocery store, I spotted two college girls with snacks and movies in their arms. I fled the scene, sobbing, feeling as though I’d lost all sense of freedom and friendship forever.
- Emotional Detachment: I struggled to connect with Mia. When a friend remarked how any mother would jump in front of a bus for her child, I smiled weakly, wondering if I’d ever feel that way. I even mixed up pronouns when referring to her, calling her “him” or “he.” She didn’t look the way I’d imagined, and I found no resemblance to myself.
- Intrusive Thoughts: I was bombarded with disturbing images, like falling down the stairs while holding Mia, and they never seemed to leave my mind.
- Sleep Disruptions: While sleep deprivation is typical for new parents, I struggled to even fall asleep when given the chance. Nightmares and hallucinations plagued me, making rest feel impossible.
- Compulsions: I felt a desperate need to control every little detail, from how Mia slept to the order of her bedtime songs. I genuinely believed these factors influenced her ability to sleep.
So, I wasn’t depressed—I was terrified, angry, obsessive, and regretful. With no single term to describe my turbulent emotions, I just labeled them “motherhood” and spent countless hours feeling trapped in a situation I thought was unchangeable.
Many new moms experience some of these feelings, and I often dismissed my own as typical. But my symptoms were intense, constant, and overwhelming.
The turning point came after a lactation appointment. The pediatrician called to check in and suggested I might be dealing with postpartum anxiety. Suddenly, everything clicked into place, and I felt an immense wave of relief wash over me. This wasn’t just motherhood—it was anxiety.
Within a week, I was seeing a social worker and psychiatrist. Gradually, the anxiety began to lift, especially after we sleep-trained Mia and as my job situation improved. Now, two years into motherhood, I’m grateful to say those symptoms have faded. However, my experience with postpartum mood disorders makes the thought of having another child daunting.
I sincerely hope that by sharing my story, I can encourage others to seek help. If you’re finding motherhood overwhelming, remember: you’re not alone, and things can improve. My daughter is now my greatest joy, a happiness I couldn’t have imagined during those anxious days.
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In summary, postpartum anxiety can feel isolating and overwhelming, but it’s important to know you’re not alone. Seeking help can lead to healing and a renewed sense of joy in motherhood.