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The Lasting Effects of Divorce
Navigating life as a divorced mom has been my reality for the past 10 months. I won’t count the year we spent separated, as I held onto hope for reconciliation during that time. Ten months may not seem like a long stretch, but it’s enough time for the dust to settle and the emotions to surface.
Here’s the raw truth: I feel broken.
This isn’t about still being in love or missing a partner. Yes, my heart was shattered during this process, and I fought for our relationship long after I should have, driven by love even when the signs pointed toward a finality that I didn’t want to accept. While my heart has started to heal from the shock of all those unexpected blows, what truly keeps me feeling broken are the voids that accompany my new life as a divorced mom.
My daughter is 6. She has two homes, each with different parenting styles and lifestyles. She’s constantly adapting to this new normal. She remembers a time when we were all together—a single home with two parents, where she could ask her dad for help when I was busy and where we shared dinners as a complete family. That sense of safety she felt, knowing we were all under one roof, is now replaced with a void that deepens my own sense of loss.
I understand that divorced parents are common these days, but that doesn’t lessen the pain for kids. My daughter may not show any severe behavioral issues or signs of depression; she is generally well-adjusted, but she still experiences hurt. She worries about our feelings when she prefers my company on her dad’s nights. She misses having her dad live with us, and her innocent question of whether he will ever return stings just as deeply now as it did the first time.
I never envisioned parenting alone. While we co-parent—sometimes successfully—it’s not what I had hoped for my family. The absence of a partner leaves a significant void. I didn’t marry and have a child just to shuffle her between two houses. I never wanted to look at an empty chair at dinner or a vacant spot on the couch after putting my daughter to bed. Making decisions alone or being the only one to comfort her when she’s sick at 2 a.m. is profoundly painful. The person missing is not just anyone; it’s the one who helped create this life with me.
Jealousy often creeps in when I see families together in public or my friends celebrating milestones on social media. It’s a struggle to push aside the bitterness that bubbles up. And when my daughter is at her dad’s, I feel a significant void. Those nights without her are filled with longing; I pass her empty room and feel that familiar pang of emptiness, knowing I can’t comfort her if she wakes up scared.
Sure, I appreciate the quiet moments to recharge, but they come with their own worries. I can’t stop thinking about whether she ate well, if she’s happy, or if her homework is done. This isn’t the break I envisioned.
Some people think I’m “lucky” because her father is involved. I beg to differ. It’s not luck that the man I chose to marry decided he didn’t want to be my partner or, at times, even fully commit to being a dad. I’d prefer we both fulfill our 100% parenting responsibilities while still being a family. Instead, I’m left settling for whatever he decides to provide.
This brokenness can be isolating, and I’ve let it steal much of my joy. There were countless nights spent in tears, mourning those shattered pieces. Last year at this time, I was in the thick of the divorce, watching everything I knew fall apart. The pieces have landed, creating a mess I’m still learning to navigate.
What I’ve discovered is that some things will remain broken, as there are simply too many pieces to put back together. Instead, I’m focusing on creating something new and beautiful from the chaos. I’m on the path to embracing my new normal, which is teaching me about independence and strength. Living with a degree of brokenness is part of this journey, and I’m beginning to accept that.
If you relate to this experience, consider checking out some supportive resources like IVF Babble and Make a Mom, where you can find helpful information on the journey of parenthood. Also, if you’re interested in home insemination, you can read more on this blog post.
Summary
Navigating the complexities of being a divorced mother can be incredibly challenging. The emotional aftermath leaves many feeling broken, especially when considering the impact on children caught between two homes. While the journey is filled with voids and moments of jealousy, there’s also an opportunity for growth and resilience. Embracing the new normal requires strength and a willingness to create something beautiful from the chaos.