What If Something Happens To My Only Child?

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What if something were to happen to her? This haunting question was posed by a tipsy acquaintance at my husband’s office holiday gathering, giving voice to my deepest, unspoken fear.

My husband and I had been married for four years when we decided it was time to expand our family. Fast forward five years, and it was still just the two of us. After enduring nine years of heartbreak and medical treatments, we finally welcomed a beautiful baby girl into our lives, with her curly hair and porcelain skin.

A year later, my world was turned upside down when I was diagnosed with Cushing’s syndrome. My doctor informed me I would need surgery to remove a macroadenoma from my pituitary gland and that I would never be able to carry another child to term. As those words sank in, I began the process of convincing myself that I was okay with it. I was 34 and had fought so hard to have my little girl that I thought I could accept it. After all, the surgery would help me shed the extra baby weight and I would no longer have to deal with those monthly visits from Aunt Flo.

But then, at a dinner party shortly after receiving the news, she said it. The conversation started innocently enough. She asked when we were planning to have another child, and I smiled, saying we were blessed with our perfect daughter and didn’t need another. Then she blurted out the very thought I had been suppressing for weeks: “What if something happens to her?” I was left speechless, unable to respond until her husband, clearly embarrassed, pulled her away.

On the drive home, I shared the incident with my husband. True to his protective nature, he was furious and joked about wanting to confront her. But then I turned serious and asked, “What if something actually happened to our daughter?”

He brushed it off, suggesting it was just a thoughtless comment from someone who had enjoyed a few too many cocktails. “It’s a silly question,” he said. But to me, her words hit home—they were valid. What would we do if our daughter faced a tragedy? Would it bring us closer together, or would it tear us apart?

We had a wonderful life before her—filled with travel and laughter—but I couldn’t imagine going back to that existence without her.

The following months were a struggle as I wrestled with this new reality. Every outing filled me with anxiety; I feared car accidents and created elaborate escape plans for every time we crossed a bridge or approached train tracks. My obsession with her safety intensified, and I admit I became a bit more of a helicopter parent than I intended. I kept it hidden so well that even my husband didn’t realize I was wrestling with these thoughts. For him, it was a closed chapter; that woman had just said something foolish, and they even sent us out for a nice dinner to make amends.

But for me, the thought of losing my daughter loomed large. Looking back, I suspect most parents share this fear, even if it’s unspoken. Does having more than one child lessen this worry, or does it just spread the anxiety around like a contagious bug? I honestly don’t know.

As I watch my daughter grow more confident, I feel a shifting sense of security. She’s five now, and while it’s still hard to picture a world without her, I can say I’ve made progress. Sure, I still drive cautiously (according to my husband, like a grandma), and I sniff-test everything she eats in front of me. But the overwhelming panic has faded, replaced by joy. Joy that I was lucky enough to have this miracle before my health challenges, and joy that I can still cherish our moments together.

And as for that dreadful question? I still don’t have an answer, and I pray I never will.

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Summary

The fear of losing an only child can be overwhelming for parents, especially after facing challenges in expanding their family. This article explores the emotional journey of a mother who grapples with her fears after receiving a life-changing diagnosis. While anxiety about safety can consume parents, it’s essential to find joy in the present and cherish every moment with their children.