If Moms Were in Charge of the New SAT

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Parenting

By Jennifer Brooks
Updated: July 27, 2016
Originally Published: November 30, 2015

As any parent with a high school sophomore or junior knows, changes are coming to the SAT. There’s been plenty of buzz about what this latest version of the Scholastic Assessment Test will entail, but the real picture won’t emerge until a sea of anxious students flip open their test booklets in March 2016.

According to the College Board, the organization responsible for administering this widely recognized college admission test, “The SAT evaluates the reading, writing, and math skills learned in school that are crucial for success in college and beyond. It provides students and colleges with insight into how well students might apply their thinking, writing, and study abilities in college coursework.” But does it truly measure whether these teenagers are prepared to thrive in the real world? Can a score reflect their readiness to navigate life at a university that doesn’t come with a mom or dad to guide them through?

I really hope the College Board consulted some moms while redesigning the test. If they did, we might see questions like the following:

1. The kitchen trash can is overflowing. What’s the best way to tackle this situation?
   a) Ignore it
   b) Wait for Mom to handle it
   c) Use your muscles to remove the full bag, tie it up, take it outside, and replace it with a fresh bag.
   d) This issue has no solution.
2. There’s only one square of toilet paper left when Kid A goes into the bathroom. What’s the chance that Kid A’s sibling will have toilet paper available during their next urgent visit?
   a) 100%
   b) 0%
   c) Pi
   d) Depends on how close Mom is to the bathroom.
3. Kid B’s soccer uniform is dirty and smelly, and there’s a game tomorrow. How will this uniform regain its desirable cleanliness?
   a) Mitosis
   b) Mom will instinctively know and take care of it.
   c) Kid B must learn to use the washing machine and do it themselves tonight.
   d) Fairies.
4. Kid C has multiple gadgets with more computing power than Apollo 11. What are the chances that Kid C can operate the dishwasher at home?
   a) 100%
   b) 0%
   c) Hydrogen bonds
   d) None of the above.
5. With two juice boxes in the fridge and 24 in the basement, how long will it take for three siblings to retrieve juice boxes for their after-school activities?
   a) 2 minutes
   b) 10 minutes
   c) 60 minutes
   d) Time is irrelevant; a brawl over who has to fetch the missing juice box will ensue, resulting in all kids being grounded and leaving with water bottles instead.
6. The human body sheds 30,000 to 40,000 dead skin cells daily. How often should bed sheets be washed?
   a) Daily
   b) Weekly
   c) Never
   d) Bed sheets? What are those?
7. If the Spanish Club’s Fiesta is on Friday, what’s the likelihood that Julia has gathered all the ingredients for the gluten-free churros she volunteered to make by Thursday at 10 p.m.? Is this chance the same, greater than, or less than the likelihood that she’ll ask her mom to prepare those churros?
   a) Same
   b) Greater than
   c) Less than
   d) None of the above. Julia likely forgot about the churros completely.

I don’t know about you, but I think I need to find a New SAT tutor ASAP!

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In summary, if moms had a say in the new SAT, it would reflect the real-life skills kids need to thrive, combining humor with practical wisdom.