How My Miscarriages Shaped My Parenting Approach

When I first discovered I was pregnant, a whirlwind of emotions engulfed me—relief, anxiety, and pure joy all rolled into one. After battling health challenges that threatened my fertility, my husband and I were overjoyed to finally be expecting. I eagerly researched pregnancy symptoms, even looking forward to the nausea. Unfortunately, before my initial doctor’s appointment, I experienced cramping and bleeding. The doctor confirmed my worst fear: I had a miscarriage.

My journey to becoming a mom has been anything but typical. While I cherish my four wonderful children, I also carry the memory of the twelve little ones I never got to meet. The heartache of miscarriage has left me with a profound understanding of grief that lingers long after the physical pain has subsided. It has influenced my parenting in ways I never anticipated.

No parent truly navigates the parenting journey in the way they imagined before having kids, and for me, my experiences with miscarriage have been a significant factor in shaping my approach. Here’s how:

1. Fear of Attachment

I always thought the moment I held my baby would be filled with an overwhelming love, but instead, I felt fear. I was terrified of forming a bond only to lose him. It took time to fully connect, but when I did, the depth of my love was beyond anything I could have imagined.

2. Hovering More Than I’d Like

Helicopter parenting is often criticized, but I find myself slipping into that role more than I planned. I envisioned being the mom who encouraged independence while providing support. However, after experiencing twelve miscarriages, I understand just how delicate life is. My hovering stems from a desire to keep my kids safe and shield them from the sadness I’ve known. Although I’m gradually finding my balance, those early days of parenting were heavily influenced by my grief.

3. Embracing the Everyday Chaos

Some days, I crave a moment of peace amidst the clamor, especially with four kids running around. But having experienced the silence of longing, I treasure every noisy moment. I’ve learned to be more patient with their messiness and chaos, appreciating that they are simply being kids.

4. Guilt in Complaining

Motherhood can be exhausting, and there are days when I want to vent about the challenges. Yet, every time I catch myself complaining about fatigue or the struggles of grocery shopping with kids, I hear a voice reminding me of the battles I fought to have them. This awareness brings guilt, knowing many parents still yearn for children. While I remind myself that it’s okay to express my feelings, the guilt is a tough emotion to shake.

5. Openness with My Children

After my first miscarriage, I felt isolated and struggled to articulate my pain. Miscarriage is often a taboo subject, leading to silence when I needed support the most. Now, as a parent, I aim to foster open conversations about difficult topics. My children, aged 10, 9, 7, and 2, are encouraged to share their feelings freely. Establishing this safe space to discuss everything from emotions to life’s tough realities is incredibly important to me.

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In summary, my experiences with miscarriage have profoundly influenced my parenting style. From the way I connect with my children to my approach to tough conversations, the journey has shaped me in ways I continue to discover.