Raising a Transgender Child: When Alex Became Jamie

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Two years ago, my nine-year-old son, Alex, tearfully confided in me that “his whole life, he had wanted to be a girl.” Thanks to the therapist who was present, we explored whether Alex wanted to be a girl or identified as one, and without hesitation, he declared that he is a girl. This marked the beginning of an unexpected journey into parenting a transgender child—something I never anticipated for either of us.

From the outset, my partner Jamie and I had sensed that Alex (now Jamie) was different from not only our older child but from peers of both genders. With sparkling eyes and a lively, observant personality, Jamie was a magnetic presence everywhere we went. Always up for a chat, especially about dolls, dresses, or mermaid tails, Jamie quickly caught the attention of those around her. In preschool and kindergarten, her self-portraits often depicted a girl in a flowing dress, raising our eyebrows as we wondered if she might be gay. While she appreciated the beauty of girls, it never fully clicked with us as we watched her insist on owning every doll, wig, or dress she could.

When Jamie demanded a pierced ear, our initial reaction was to dismiss it—“little boys don’t wear earrings.” But as she persistently pursued this, it became clear this was more than a whim; it was a need. We decided to allow her to have one ear pierced, hoping it might ease her desire for hair extensions and wigs while she waited for her hair to grow out. Just before the piercing, Jamie asked the piercer to be sure to use the ear that “doesn’t mean gay.” It was a moment that hinted she was gearing up to share a significant truth with us.

Shortly after getting her ear pierced, the clarity we needed arrived: Jamie revealed her authentic self. It took a moment to process, and internally I scolded myself for thinking this couldn’t happen to our family. But it did.

In the following weeks, we noticed a profound change in Jamie’s mood and demeanor; it was as if a heavy burden had been lifted. Then came what we now refer to as “the article.” On Jamie’s tenth birthday, a story in The Boston Globe about identical twin boys—one of whom identified as transgender—caught my eye. When Jamie saw the photo and learned they weren’t alone, she was instantly captivated, exclaiming, “You mean I’m not the only one?” At that moment, Jamie fully stepped into her identity.

The next day, after dropping Jamie off at school, I told her to stay cool while we devised a plan. But by 11 a.m., she could no longer hold back her secret and quietly shared it with one of her teachers. The truth was out.

It was pajama day at school the following day, and after a quick trip to Target, I dressed Jamie in bright, polka-dotted pajamas. She ran into the school bursting with excitement, completely unbothered by the world around her. It felt like she had been waiting her entire life for this opportunity.

Since those early days, we’ve navigated through more ear piercings, countless meetings, and discussions. Sometimes we’ve kept a low profile, overwhelmed by the implications of having a transgender child, while at other times, we’ve been more open, even sharing Jamie’s story on social media with her encouragement. The responses from friends and family have largely been supportive, albeit with their own mix of nervousness about how to approach the situation.

If only every family could experience such warmth and acceptance!

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In summary, the journey of raising a transgender child is filled with unexpected twists, but with love, understanding, and support, it can lead to a deeper connection and acceptance within the family.