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No, I’m Not Married to My Kids’ Dad, So Please Stop Worrying
You wouldn’t believe the things people say when you’re a single parent. It’s like there’s a checklist of questions they feel compelled to ask: “Are you planning to get married?” “Why haven’t you tied the knot yet?” “If something happens to you, he can’t make decisions for you in the hospital.” “What if you die? Will he be able to handle your funeral arrangements?” “Aren’t your kids going to be confused because you’re not married?” “Legally, you two are strangers.”
These are just a few of the comments I’ve received over the years, and trust me, there are plenty more where that came from. My partner and I have been happily together for a decade and have two amazing kids. Yet, it seems that our decision to remain unmarried is a topic of much concern for others. For some reason, people feel the need to offer unsolicited advice—particularly regarding legal matters.
I sometimes wonder what I could ask them in return: “Why did you choose to get married?” I’ve seen couples who don’t seem to mesh at all, or those who have completely opposing values. When someone says, “If you die, he’s not your next of kin,” I find it hard to respond. I’ve made it through 40 years without ever questioning someone’s marriage based on their partner’s intelligence or character.
And just so everyone knows, single individuals can actually create a will and assign a power of attorney! Isn’t that wild? You don’t need to be married for the law to allow you to designate someone to manage your affairs and make decisions about your children. Who knew, right?
There are all sorts of legal documents that can address the concerns people raise, but that’s not really the issue here. The real problem is the assumption that I’m irresponsible for not getting married when people don’t make the same assumptions about those who are. It’s interesting how married individuals often avoid the scrutiny I face, even those who have been through multiple marriages—it’s as if a marriage certificate grants some kind of unearned respect, despite the fact that half of those unions end in divorce.
As for my children being confused about our marital status, they’re bright kids, and they’ll understand that marriage is a personal choice, not a requirement. The world is evolving, and not everyone feels the need to say “I do.”
You know who I trust to discuss these matters with? My sister. She’s the one who would step in to care for my kids if something were to happen to my partner and me. I wouldn’t dream of prying into the legal situations of my married friends, and what happens in my family is nobody else’s business either.
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In summary, the choice not to marry doesn’t mean I’m neglectful or irresponsible. My partner and I are committed to each other and our kids in meaningful ways that don’t require a marriage certificate. So let’s just focus on what truly matters: our family’s happiness.