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Navigating Miscarriage as a Dad: The Desire to Fix What’s Broken
I’m a proud dad of two daughters, surrounded by a world of pink hair bows, baby dolls, and endless renditions of Frozen songs. My older daughter is a lot like me: blue eyes, easygoing, and an avid reader. The younger one takes after her mom with her olive skin, determination, and a spirited attitude. For over five years, our family of four has consisted of me and my house full of girls (even our cat, Bella, is female).
Before my daughters arrived, friends often suggested I needed a son—someone who would inherit my love for sports, yard work, and video games. After our second daughter was born, I accepted that I was meant to be the dad of girls. Surely one of them would someday share my excitement for baseball opening day or swap ballet slippers for soccer cleats. So far, that hasn’t happened.
When my wife, Sarah, told me she was pregnant in early September last year, a wave of excitement washed over me, and I imagined the possibilities of welcoming a son. Would we name him Michael? Or perhaps after a favorite player? My mind raced with toddler-sized jerseys and the joys of having a little boy to share my passions with.
But before I could even share the news, Sarah broke the heartbreaking news: she was having a miscarriage. We were left in shock. Just a week into knowing about the pregnancy, the baby was gone—before we could even tell anyone, discuss names, or think about nursery colors.
Why was this happening to us? We live in a lovely home, just a few minutes from family. Everything seemed perfect for expanding our family, and we even bought a minivan. What more could we ask for? While Sarah was understandably in pain, I found myself grappling with my own feelings.
We often hear about how miscarriage profoundly affects women, but the emotional toll on men is rarely discussed. Many men experience a deep sense of loss, yet support networks specifically for fathers dealing with this grief are scarce. We often push our feelings aside, either because society hasn’t equipped us to cope or because we feel embarrassed to express our vulnerability. It’s a tough reality that many men face: “In approximately 40 percent of infertile couples, the male partner is either the sole cause or a contributing factor to infertility” (American Society for Reproductive Medicine).
As men, we instinctively want to fix things. We aim to be the rock of our families, and when we can’t even fully participate in the reproductive process, it can feel like a heavy burden.
Back in October 2003, my wife and I faced our first miscarriage. We were newlyweds, just three months into marriage, living in a tiny apartment and trying to figure out how to become parents. In a strange way, that loss felt like a relief at the time; we weren’t quite ready to dive into parenthood.
This time around, things are different. We’re older, with two wonderful daughters who would eagerly help care for a new sibling. We’re ready in every possible way for another child, and this loss stings much more.
Fatherhood is often tied to masculinity; it feels like a rite of passage to become a dad. When that doesn’t happen, it can leave men feeling inadequate. I know I’m not alone in this experience; many men have faced this loss, yet we seldom discuss it. We don’t gather over coffee to share feelings of disappointment, because the pressure to appear strong often overshadows our need for emotional support.
When you think about miscarriage, remember that there are men grieving alongside the women affected. We exist, working long hours while trying to push thoughts of infertility aside. We’re there, discussing mundane topics like sports, all the while wondering what fatherhood might have been like.
Sometimes our daughters ask for a baby brother or sister, as if it’s something we can just pick up from the store. Sarah and I exchange a knowing look, silently conveying: We want that too. But whether or not it will happen remains uncertain. Regardless, I hold onto hope and remain determined to try. After all, I’m a man, and fixing things is in my nature.
For more insights on coping with infertility and the emotional aspects of pregnancy loss, check out this excellent resource on treating infertility. If you’re considering at-home options, you can also explore this comprehensive guide. And for more personal stories, visit this blog post.
Summary
The emotional toll of miscarriage impacts both men and women, yet the conversation surrounding male grief remains limited. As fathers navigate the complexities of loss, it’s vital to acknowledge their feelings and encourage open discussions. Hope remains a powerful force, driving men to continue striving for their dreams of fatherhood.