The 7 Stages of Being Mistaken for Your Child’s Grandmother

On my sixth wedding anniversary last September, I took a trip into town with my 4-year-old daughter to run some errands. I was feeling great that day. I had recently picked up a freelance gig after a break from work, the sun was shining, and my husband and I had dinner reservations at one of the best spots in town that evening. As my daughter and I approached the parking meter, getting the coins ready for her to drop in (she insists on doing it herself every time), I noticed an elderly man shuffling towards us. Little did I know that his upcoming words would bring my wonderful day to a sudden stop. “She’s adorable,” he said, looking at my daughter. Then he turned to me and asked, “Are you her mom or grandma?”

Stage 1: Shock

Did that elderly man really just ask me that? Surely I misheard him. Do I need to get my hearing checked? Goodness, maybe I’m older than I think. Wait—look how ancient he is! He’s the one who needs to check his eyesight.

Stage 2: Denial

I shake my head in disbelief. Is he serious? I don’t look like a grandma! No one has ever said that to me before. Can’t he see that I’m youngish and somewhat attractive? Okay, I didn’t shower today, or yesterday for that matter, but I still look pretty decent. My daughter and I look so much alike; there’s no way I could be her grandmother. Get it together, old man!

Stage 3: Anger

“What the heck did you just say?” Okay, I don’t say it out loud, but I scream it in my head loud enough that I’m convinced he can hear me. I turn to a nearby middle-aged man who overheard our conversation and ask, “Am I doing something wrong here?” He assures me he would never have thought I was a grandmother. Damn straight, sir. Clearly, that old guy is just rude.

Stage 4: Bargaining

Wait a second, sir—can I show you my face up close? Not too many wrinkles for a 42-year-old, right? People often think I’m in my mid-30s. A woman in her mid-30s can’t be a grandma, can she? I really should have showered this morning. I promise I’ll shower every morning from now on and wear makeup. Maybe I’ll even start dressing a little sexier. Can I still pull off a miniskirt? Should I get a tattoo?

Stage 5: Guilt

Oh no, this man thinks I look like a grandma. I should have had my kid sooner. I waited too long! There are probably tons of women my age who are already grandmothers. Sure, I didn’t meet my husband until my mid-30s, but instead of dating and having fun for two years, we should have jumped straight into parenthood. Can I go back in time and meet him five years earlier? I could have joined the mommy club. I’m the worst mom ever, and my daughter is destined to become the most infamous female serial killer since Charlize Theron gained weight to play Aileen Wuornos.

Stage 6: Depression

My life has taken a downward turn. Everyone must think I’m my own daughter’s grandma. They’re lying to me when they say I look young. What’s the point of even trying to look good? I might never shower again, never wear makeup again, maybe even never get out of bed again. But who will take care of the kid?

Stage 7: Acceptance

So what if I’m a little older as a mom? I had my daughter when I was 38. Technically, I’m of advanced maternal age. I know plenty of friends in their early 40s who just had their first kids. I’m not alone in this. Didn’t Kelly Preston have a baby when she was almost 50? It’s all fine. At least it will be—once I figure out how to slash that old man’s tires.

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In summary, it’s perfectly normal to feel a whirlwind of emotions when faced with unexpected comments about age, especially as a parent. Embracing your journey and the timing of your family is key, and remember, you’re not alone in this experience.