Tending to the Garden: The Importance of Marriage Maintenance

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While I was on a flight with my wife, Sarah, returning from a lovely anniversary trip, I received a text from my old buddy, Alex. He casually mentioned, “My new single dad life.” Intrigued, I quickly typed back, “Wait, what? Did I miss something?”

Alex replied, “Yeah, I guess. Jess and I got divorced back in May.” It was now November.

I glanced at Sarah, who was gazing out the window, the night sky outside our plane reflecting my internal confusion. “Looks like Alex and Jess split up,” I told her. “How did I not know about this?”

Sarah, slightly taken aback, just said, “That’s unfortunate.” She returned her focus to the view outside.

Alex was more of a friend to me than to Sarah; we’d known each other for years, but during the earlier days of my marriage, I often turned to him for advice. He had a bit more experience under his belt, being a few steps ahead in life. His insights helped me navigate the challenges of parenting and marriage, especially during those sleepless nights with our first child.

“What went wrong?” I texted back. “Did you guys just grow apart?”

Hearing that a marriage I admired had crumbled was unsettling. Alex and Jess always seemed to have it together; their social media showed happy moments, family vacations, and shared hobbies. It seemed like everything was fine, but I was mistaken. Their struggles had been hidden beneath the surface, and it made me worry that I might be overlooking something in my own relationship.

I can’t help but think about divorce. Not because it’s something I want, but because I want to avoid it. My parents’ tumultuous relationships left lasting scars. My mom has been through three marriages, and my dad passed away during a divorce. Those experiences taught me the harsh realities of separation — the fighting, the blame, and how children can become pawns in adult disagreements.

The scariest part is that I don’t fully grasp why their marriage ended. I was just a kid when it happened, and all I can recall is a haze of poor decisions and neglect that spiraled into something much worse.

Despite my fears, I absolutely love Sarah. I don’t want us to part ways. However, the echoes of the past weigh heavily on me, especially when I read Alex’s next message: “It wasn’t a single moment; it was a long process. We both felt lonely and distant without realizing it…”

Right at that moment, the flight attendant asked us to turn off our phones. I shared the conversation with Sarah, expressing my concerns. “This makes divorce sound like weeds taking over a garden. Is this what happened with my parents?”

She considered my words, adjusting her seatbelt. “But we just went on a cruise,” she pointed out. “That helped me a lot.”

“I get that, but we can’t escape to vacation every time things get tough,” I argued, but I understood her point. That trip was the biggest getaway we’d taken in our eleven years together.

“I know,” she replied. “But I think it’s all about maintenance.” She elaborated that if our marriage is like a garden, we need to pull the weeds regularly — carving out time for each other, nurturing our love, and appreciating the little things. “You text me ‘I love you’ almost every day,” she noted. “I doubt your parents did that.”

“So, it’s really about the small gestures?” I asked.

She nodded, “Exactly. I know you love me.”

“Yes,” I confirmed. “And you know I love you.”

“And that’s a really good thing,” she said.

Although my worries about Alex and Jess lingered, I felt a wave of love for Sarah wash over me. Those little moments we shared added up to something significant. I leaned in for a kiss, and she smiled, “See? We just pulled some weeds.”

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In summary, maintaining a healthy marriage is much like tending to a garden. It requires attention, care, and regular effort to pull out the weeds that can creep in unnoticed.