Don’t Hold Me Responsible for My Child’s Actions

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• Don’t Hold Me Responsible for My Child’s Actions

by Jamie Anderson
Feb. 15, 2023

Recently, a survivor of a tragic school shooting reached out to the mother of one of the shooters, expressing forgiveness for her son’s actions. In a touching letter, she acknowledged the unimaginable pain of hindsight, saying, “I can only imagine how much you’ve agonized over what you could have done differently.” She offered her well wishes, demonstrating a remarkable capacity for compassion.

As I read through this heartfelt communication and later watched the mother share her story on a prominent network, I found myself questioning why society has judged her so harshly for her son’s actions. Why has she faced such vilification, despite having committed no crime? What justification do we have for demanding an apology from a woman who had no clue that her son would be involved in such a horrific event?

During the interview, the mother described her son as “talented,” “friendly,” and emphasized her commitment to “hands-on parenting.” Heartwarming images of him engaging in childhood activities floated across the screen—playing with toys, enjoying nature, and wearing a goofy grin. She painted a picture of a loving home filled with supportive parents, good schools, and a network of friends. Statistics highlighted during the broadcast revealed that 85 percent of school shooters are boys, many of whom perform well academically and have clean records.

Her story led me to reflect on my own life. I, too, am raising a seemingly well-adjusted boy who shares similar interests—like loving toys and being a Red Sox fan. It made me think: How can I judge another parent?

I watched, hoping for a moment of realization, that instant where she might acknowledge missed warning signs or opportunities to intervene. Yet, even after all these years, the disbelief that her son could commit such a crime was evident. She, like many of us, has been grappling with feelings of confusion and regret.

As a mother of a young boy, my heart goes out to her. I felt tears welling up when she described the endless cycle of self-doubt about her parenting choices since that fateful day. Some may argue she lost her son long before that tragic event, but she remains a mother left to navigate her grief—bewildered and striving to understand every decision she made.

It’s all too easy to cast judgment. We often find ourselves projecting our fears and insecurities onto her situation. It’s uncomfortable to acknowledge that our own parenting could lead to similar outcomes. We see her struggles reflected in our own hesitation to speak up about concerning behaviors or to confront other parents about their choices. In reality, many individuals failed to recognize the warning signs, not just her. She did what she thought was best, much like the rest of us.

Every day, I make decisions about raising my child. I strive to follow expert advice: engaging in open conversations, being present, and encouraging emotional expression. However, I can’t help but worry—what if today is the day that changes their lives forever? The fear that I will be judged for my child’s actions looms large.

I suspect that those same fears weighed heavily on that mother, right up until that tragic day.

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In summary, parenting is a complex journey filled with uncertainties, and despite our best efforts, we cannot control the choices our children make. The story of one mother and her son serves as a reminder that we should support each other, rather than judge, as we navigate the challenges of raising children in today’s world.