Don’t Hold Me Responsible for My Kids’ Actions

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Recently, Claire Thompson, a survivor of a school shooting, penned an open letter to Mark Jenkins’ mother, Lisa, expressing her forgiveness for her son’s wrongdoings. In this poignant letter, written just before Jenkins’ interview on a popular news program, Thompson remarked, “Looking back, it’s easy to see things clearly, and I’m sure you’ve pondered what you could have done differently.” She assured Lisa that she harbored no resentment and wished her peace.

As I mulled over Thompson’s letter and later watched Lisa Jenkins on the show, I found myself questioning our harsh judgments of her. Why has she faced such intense scrutiny for her son’s actions? What grounds do we have for demanding an apology from someone who was unaware her child would commit one of the most tragic school shootings in U.S. history?

During the interview, Lisa described her son using words like “talented” and “charming,” while sharing images of him happily playing with toys, fishing, and sporting a goofy grin. She painted a picture of a happy childhood, complete with supportive parents, a nurturing home environment, and a solid group of friends. Accompanying this was a chilling statistic: 85% of mass school shooters are adolescent boys, and many of them are good students who have never been in trouble.

Lisa’s story had me reflecting on my own parenting. I have a seemingly well-adjusted teenage son who enjoys Legos, excels in school, and is quite the Red Sox fan. I couldn’t help but think, “There but for the grace of fate go I,” and who am I to judge?

I found myself waiting for that moment during the interview when Lisa would realize the signs she missed, the intervention that could have altered their path. Yet, even after all these years, the disbelief that her son could commit such an atrocity was evident in her expressions. Like many parents, she’s been grappling with questions of what went wrong and what she could have done differently.

As a mother myself, my heart aches for her. It brought tears to my eyes when she expressed the torment she has experienced over her parenting decisions since that tragic day. It’s vital to remember that she lost her son, too, on that fateful day. Some might argue she lost him long before the shooting, but the reality is that a mother remains—confused, shocked, and analyzing every choice she ever made.

It’s easy to place blame on her and judge her harshly. It’s easier to hurl accusations than to confront the uncomfortable reality that we see our own parenting struggles reflected in her story. We understand that it could happen to us.

When we look at Lisa Jenkins and her failure to recognize the warning signs, we see our own hesitations about reporting concerning behaviors in other kids. We see our reluctance to discuss another parent’s choices for fear of offending someone. On that tragic day, many individuals failed both Mark and the victims, not just Lisa. She did her best, just like the rest of us.

Every day, I make choices in raising my tween. I strive to follow the advice of experts: ask open-ended questions and truly listen, be present for those deep conversations, and encourage emotional openness. Yet, on tough days, when they’re acting up or I feel like a total failure, I can’t help but worry that today could be the day that changes everything. I fear that despite my best efforts, it might not be enough.

I share Lisa Jenkins’ fears—worrying that I’ll be judged by the actions of my children, no matter how hard I try to be a good parent. I can only imagine Lisa carried those same fears leading up to that tragic day in April.

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Summary: The complexities of parenting are highlighted through the lens of Lisa Jenkins, mother of a school shooter. The article explores the judgments placed on parents for their children’s actions, reflecting on the shared insecurities we all face. It emphasizes the need for compassion and understanding in a world where the lines between success and failure in parenting often feel blurred.