Public Service Announcement: If you ever find yourself in an experiment where a “teacher” asks me to increase the voltage on an unsuspecting participant every time they get a question wrong, brace yourself—it’s about to get intense in here.
You see, I have an almost blind reverence for authority figures. If you’re sporting a white coat, I’m likely to follow your prescription to the letter. Got a wall full of diplomas? Sure, I’ll admit I’ve got some issues stemming from my upbringing. Did you write a book? Wow! They must have high standards for authors! (Spoiler alert: I’ve been in a few books too, and the bar isn’t as high as you think.)
But as I’ve aged, I’ve gained a newfound confidence. I trust my instincts, do my own research, and speak out against unsolicited “expert” advice. Yet, the internet seems determined to bombard me with opinions, and frankly, I’m over it! Here are nine pieces of advice I wish it would just quit dishing out:
- Stop Eating These [Insert Any Five Comfort Foods] or Suffer the Consequences
Because seeing those delicious carbs pop up in my feed every half hour is totally helping me stick to my diet. - Wrap It!
I’ve seen the miraculous results of food wrapping. But until someone invents a device that wraps around my mouth and stops me from eating, my thighs are going to stay right where they are. - Infuse Your Water with Fruit
Seriously, who has the time or funds to chop up a mountain of fruit? And carrying around a heavy, mushy mason jar of fruit-infused water? No, thanks. - Get More Sleep
Well, duh! Who doesn’t want more sleep? My kids are older, and their schedules are packed with practices and projects. Bedtime at 7:30? I’d be the lamest mom ever. - Drink Wine
I’ve never liked wine, so please stop promoting it as a miracle cure for everything from cancer to global warming. If you have positive things to say about whiskey, though, I’m all ears. - Stop Using K-Cups
I do my part for the environment, but I enjoy my one cup of coffee a day with the convenience of K-Cups. Can’t a girl catch a break? I switched to a reusable K-Cup, but if someone tells me that’s harmful, it’ll get messy! - Purge My Pantry and Fridge
I’ve made it 41 years without dying from my food choices. I know how to read labels and I’m aware of the food industry’s shenanigans. Not everything is a conspiracy designed to harm me! - Invest in Fancy Jewelry
I can snag four pairs of hoop earrings for $5 at the store. Sure, my earlobes might turn a little dark, but they’re a fashionable statement, right? And they look great with my budget workout gear! - Fret Over My Kid’s Self-Esteem
Have you met a 12-year-old boy? They think they’re the best at everything and have all the answers. Sure, I care about his feelings, but I’m not losing sleep over reminding him to clean up his shoes.
So, dear internet, I’ve got this. Your advice doesn’t hold much weight with me.
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In conclusion, I’m embracing my own expertise and will continue to filter out the noise.