6 Reasons Why Being a Girl Scout Cookie Mom Is Like Being a Drug Dealer

As the New Year kicks off, so does one of the most exciting events of the season: Girl Scout Cookie sales! Having not experienced the joy of being a Girl Scout myself, I eagerly dove into the world of cookies when my daughter, Ruby, joined the troop. I envisioned her in her adorable vest, badges shining, as she confidently sold cookies from a little red wagon. I was ready to assist her at booths and cheer her on as she met customers.

However, I quickly discovered that the cookie-selling arena is more competitive than I ever imagined. The once-friendly moms transformed into fierce sales competitors, all striving for their daughters to top the sales charts. When I proudly shared that Ruby had sold 102 boxes, I was met with looks of pity from the seasoned Cookie Moms, who boasted about sales exceeding 350 boxes and strategized like seasoned marketers. It became clear to me that this cookie-selling venture closely resembles the world of small-time drug dealing—not that I have any personal experience, mind you. Here are six reasons why:

1. The Money Must Flow

Once you embark on this sales journey, you learn quickly that all proceeds must be handed over to “the Cookie Mom” posthaste—failure to comply could lead to dire consequences, or so the ominous warnings suggest. You even have to sign a document vowing to be accountable for the money collected. I can only imagine what would happen if I didn’t!

2. Respect the Turf

Don’t even think about infringing on an established Cookie Mom’s territory. These ladies have worked their neighborhoods for years and will not take kindly to anyone trying to encroach on their turf.

3. Knowledge is Power

You must be well-versed in cookie facts: Yes, Thin Mints are vegan (as they always have been), and while the prices have increased by 50 cents, they remain a hot commodity. You’d better stock up because they might not be available next time.

4. Discreet Meetings

You’ll find yourself signaling to potential customers, inviting them to meet you in discreet locations—like the empty parking lot behind Walgreens. Strangers sometimes join the mix, and before long, you’re known as “the Cookie Lady.” Your reputation spreads, and word gets around about your sweet stash.

5. The Temptation is Real

You promise yourself not to indulge before the sales kick off, but when the cookies arrive, you may find yourself sneaking away to the closet to indulge in a secret stash. You might even brush your teeth afterward to mask the evidence, only to realize you’ve devoured the equivalent of a small fortune in cookies.

6. Sampling for Success

Offering free samples might just be the ticket to expanding your customer base. Those who try a bite often find themselves craving more, leading to bulk purchases as they stock up for future cravings. However, beware—stressful days at work can lead to binge sessions where entire boxes disappear in one sitting.

So, the next time you catch a friend or colleague in a car with tinted windows, hoodie pulled tight, and oversized sunglasses, don’t jump to conclusions. They might just be making a cookie run before heading home—let’s be honest, it’s a serious addiction.

If you’re on the hunt for a cookie dealer, look no further. I just upgraded my pager and am available around the clock!

For more insights on this topic, be sure to check out our other blog post on terms and conditions. Additionally, for more information on pregnancy and home insemination, visit CDC’s reproductive health resource. And if you’re interested in an authority on at-home insemination kits, see Make a Mom’s guide.

In summary, being a Girl Scout Cookie Mom is a wild ride filled with competition, strategy, and the occasional guilty pleasure. It’s a world where salesmanship and a love for cookies collide in a way that’s both humorous and intense.