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Why I Let Go of My Breastfeeding Aspirations
After five long years of grappling with infertility, the big day finally arrived: my twins were born. I had always envisioned breastfeeding my little ones, but that dream took a detour when they arrived 10 weeks early.
A couple of friends who’d navigated the twin experience advised me against starting breastfeeding right away. They found it overwhelming, often regretting their decision after just a few weeks. Considering I had a cesarean section, I realized that trying to breastfeed premature twins would only complicate my recovery. I weighed my options and ultimately decided to forgo breastfeeding. I felt at peace with my choice, and thankfully, my family supported me wholeheartedly.
Tragically, one of my twins passed away at just eight weeks old. In hindsight, I felt a sense of relief for not having breastfed. I believe that if I had formed that close bond through breastfeeding, the loss would have been even more challenging to cope with.
Fast forward four years, and I welcomed my little princess. This time, I was determined to give breastfeeding a shot. Hours after her birth, we tried, but as a newbie, I was clueless about whether she was actually getting any milk. I spent four days in the hospital thinking things were going well—she nursed a bit, dozed off, and nursed again later.
Then came the dreaded convalescent home, a lovely place for mothers to recover. Unfortunately, my daughter was a bit jaundiced and extremely sleepy, making breastfeeding a challenge. The nurses suggested stripping her down to wake her up, but that didn’t work either. Enter the breast pump—my personal version of modern torture. Seriously, the first time I pumped, I thought I might rather give birth again! The amount I produced was laughable. For the next two days, I was stuck in a cycle of pumping and attempting to breastfeed every four hours. My little one remained sleepy, and my milk supply was nonexistent since she wasn’t sucking effectively.
By day three, my baby was the one wailing in the nursery until she finally received a full bottle of formula. I still tried to keep the faith, encouraged by the pro-breastfeeding staff, including nurses and La Leche League counselors. But when I attempted to latch her on again, she was back to blissfully snoozing. I was on the verge of tears, feeling utterly defeated.
In a moment of overwhelming frustration, I looked at her precious face and felt a surge of rage. I even contemplated throwing her down (thankfully, my husband walked in just in time!). That was my wake-up call—I needed to let go of my breastfeeding dream. If it pushed me to the brink of frustration where I felt like harming my child, it was time to reassess. I had tried my best, but our well-being had to come first.
And you know what? My son, the surviving twin, was formula-fed and is thriving—never sick a day in his life. I firmly believe mothers should prioritize what works best for them. Whether you want to breastfeed, try and stop, or skip it altogether, it’s your journey. In my case, my daughter wasn’t getting enough nourishment, and it was clear that formula was the right choice for us.
If I ever have the chance to welcome a third child, I’ll be starting with bottles from the get-go—no more of that torturous pump for me! And honestly? I’m completely fine with that.
For more insights on fertility and becoming a parent, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination from Kindbody, or learn more about artificial insemination for guidance. You can also explore this relevant post for additional perspectives on the topic of family planning at this link.
Summary:
Navigating the journey of motherhood can be challenging, especially when it comes to breastfeeding. In this personal story, the author shares her experiences with premature twins and the emotional challenges of breastfeeding. Ultimately, she learns that the best choice for her and her family was to let go of the breastfeeding dream and embrace formula feeding instead, prioritizing well-being over societal expectations.