10 Things That Are Impossible Late in Pregnancy

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As I sit here just two weeks from my scheduled c-section and four weeks from my due date, I can barely fathom how I’m going to make it through the next day, let alone two weeks. The discomfort and pain are relentless, and I’m feeling like I might just reach in and yank out my own mucus plug—seriously! The worst part? I can no longer manage to do any of the following simple tasks:

1. Put on Socks and Shoes. I’ve tried every position imaginable—sitting on the bed, lying on the floor, propping myself against a wall. The only thing that works is having my partner help me, like I’m a toddler. A TODDLER!
2. Shave My Legs and Lady Parts. I’ve managed to get from mid-calf down, but I have no hope for any further success. As for my “fertility flower,” let’s be real; the medical team will have bigger fish to fry during the c-section than my Sasquatch legs and wild lady garden.
3. Hold a Conversation Without a Contraction. Forget Braxton Hicks—these are the real deal! They come at such unpredictable intervals that every conversation turns into me doubling over and muttering, “Oh no, here it comes, this hurts!”
4. Roll Over in Bed. Switching from one side to the other requires the strength of a thousand warriors. It’s like an Olympic event just to change positions.
5. Get Undressed. The other day, I felt like I set a world record for the slowest undressing. Seriously, I was still in my pajamas from the night before when it was time to get dressed for work again.
6. Shop Without Comments. Every time I step into a store, it’s like a chorus of “Any day now, huh?” No, not any day, but if you could find me some Pitocin to speed things along, I’d pay you handsomely!
7. Get In and Out of the Bathtub. It’s a feat comparable to a whale trying to leap from one pool to another. I can barely lift a leg without tripping, so if you find me half-submerged and clutching my loofah for dear life, it’s not my husband’s fault!
8. Get Out of a Chair. When someone tries to help me up, I hear that reverse beeping noise of a dump truck. ALERT: WIDE LOAD COMING THROUGH!
9. Follow Clean Catch Instructions for a Urine Sample. You want me to do what with those wipes? Can we just skip this part? Will that magically bring on labor?
10. Exist. Honestly, it feels like I can’t endure another second of joint pain or another jab from the tiny human inside me without spontaneously combusting. Seriously, I’m on the verge of dramatic collapse here.

If you’re navigating the late stages of pregnancy and looking for helpful resources, check out this post. For those interested in home insemination, Make A Mom offers great products. Also, Resolve provides excellent guidance on family-building options.

In summary, the final weeks of pregnancy can feel like an uphill battle, with simple tasks becoming monumental challenges. If you’re in this phase, you’re not alone—embrace the humor in the chaos!