Midnight Musings of a Mom: A Hilarious Insomniac’s Journey

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It’s the wee hours of the night, and the entire house is sound asleep—except for me. If I could just drift back off now, I might salvage a few hours of sleep that resemble something more than a catnap.

How is it that my snoozing partner manages to sleep so peacefully? I wish I could do that. Why does being a mom often come hand-in-hand with sleepless nights? He looks so relaxed and honestly, kinda handsome. Maybe if I snuggle up close, he’ll stir awake. We really should spend more time together—when was our last date? It feels like ages.

Perhaps we could get a babysitter on Friday and catch that movie everyone’s been buzzing about. What was its name again? It’s on the tip of my tongue. Who’s in it? Oh, what’s her name? The actress married to that guy from Deadpool. She had that fab hairstyle on that show… What is her name?

Should I wake my sleeping partner to ask? He would totally know. So would that friend who moved away last year—I should reach out and see how she’s doing. A girls’ weekend would be fun! Oh, who am I kidding? I can barely keep in touch with my best friend these days. I haven’t heard from her in a while; is she upset with me?

Calm down! She’s probably just swamped with life. What if something’s actually wrong? What if she’s in the hospital or dealing with a sick kid? I’m the worst friend ever. I should text her right now.

But seriously, what is that actress’s name?! I used to keep up with all the celebrity gossip. I used to have a social life too, going out for dinners and dancing the night away. Now, I can’t even catch a movie before it hits DVD, and I can’t remember the name of the actress with the stunning hair.

Maybe I should change my look again. Go blonde? Or maybe embrace the grey and go natural. Why do we feel pressure to conform to beauty standards anyway? Remember when Julia Roberts decided to stop shaving for a bit? That’s a bit too much for me, though. I’m definitely overdue for a wax and a hair touch-up.

The dog is nice and cozy, but what is that smell? Did he just fart or worse? Ugh, I wish he’d just move. He stinks, and now my leg is cramping. I really should stretch more. Everyone raves about yoga; maybe I should give it a shot. If I did yoga like my partner, maybe I’d be peacefully dreaming right now. Yes, yoga is the solution to all my issues.

Ahek-huck! What was that? Is one of the kids coughing? Great, he’ll probably wake up with a fever and need to stay home from school. I have so much work to tackle tomorrow. I can’t afford to babysit a sick child! And wait, my throat feels scratchy too. Am I coming down with something? Should I have gotten that flu shot?

I need to remember to grab oranges, Airborne, and everything rich in vitamin C from the store tomorrow. And maybe some veggies too. Have we even had greens for dinner lately? Last night was pizza with extra pizza, and the night before was subs… but hey, there was lettuce on those. That counts, right?

It’s been an hour, and I’m still wide awake, still stuck on that actress’s name. I think she just had a baby, too. She probably snapped right back into her size 0 jeans. I bet she does yoga.

I should close my eyes and try to relax. Deep breaths—focus. If I fall asleep now, I’ll still get enough rest for a solid nap. What was that meditation trick again? Inhale for 7, hold for 7, exhale for 7.

Inhale, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Hold, one, two, three, four. Gasp! Who can hold their breath for seven seconds? That’s just impossible.

Maybe I should start meditating. That way, when the kids are bickering, I can just give them a serene look instead of shouting. “Mom, why do you look so weird?” they might ask. I’ll just smile and think, “I’m meditating!”

Breathe in. Forget this. Breathe out. Forget this. Now that’s a meditation I could get behind. Maybe it would help me handle that demanding client pestering me for her project. She’s never satisfied and will surely complain to my boss, which could lead to me losing my job. And then we’d have to move in with my parents! Oh no, what a nightmare!

Or maybe not so bad—the kids would get to see their grandparents more. I should check on my parents more often. I’m a terrible daughter. I should express my love more.

My kids probably won’t call me when they’re grown up. Maybe I should tell them I love them more often.

Oh! Blake Lively! That’s who it is! I wonder if she calls her parents. And wait, I just figured out how to finish that client’s project. It’s genius! She’s going to adore it! My boss will be thrilled. My worries might disappear.

If only I could just get a little shut-eye. Maybe I should just rise and shine; the alarm will go off in 30 minutes anyway. I’ll close my eyes for a few more moments and then start my day.

27 minutes later…

“Mom! Time to wake up! You are such a sleepyhead.”

Sigh… how many hours left until I can sleep again? And what was that brilliant idea I had in the middle of the night? Something about Blake Lively?

In Summary

In summary, the chaotic thoughts of a sleepless mom reveal the humorous and relatable struggles of balancing motherhood, friendships, and self-care—all while battling insomnia. From navigating the challenges of parenting to reminiscing about lost social lives, this late-night reflection highlights the beauty and absurdity of motherhood.