10 More Ridiculous Things I’ve Blurted Out to My Toddlers

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Ever since I embraced parenthood, I find myself saying the most nonsensical things. When the chaos of parenting hits, my mouth seems to run on autopilot. Instead of taking a breather to gather my thoughts, I spew out a stream of absurdity. Here are ten gems that have slipped from my lips:

1. “If you don’t get back to bed right now, I’ll have to put you back to bed.” Because, obviously, that’s why they decided to leap out of bed in the first place.
2. “No one is having cookies for breakfast! Please, just eat your Crunchy Stars.” Honestly, there’s probably as much sugar in one Crunchy Star as there is in a cookie. So, I’m really just fooling myself here.
3. “Bathtubs are not for splashing.” Or singing, or having fun, or getting wet—what’s the point then? Might as well ask them to bathe without getting wet!
4. “If you’re not going to learn, I won’t teach you.” Because clearly, abandoning my toddler during a game of Trouble is the best strategy for education.
5. “I can’t hear anyone sleeping up there.” Unless they’re snoring like a chainsaw, can you really hear someone sleep?
6. “If you don’t buckle up, we won’t move. In fact, we can just sit here all day.” No, we can’t. I can’t even remember the last time I sat down since my first child came along!
7. “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you a reason to cry.” A classic line that’s probably the dumbest thing ever. They’re already crying, so clearly, I’ve already given them a reason!
8. “It’s just a piece of lettuce; it’s not going to hurt you.” Unless you decide to throw yourself back from the table and hit your head on the wall—then it might hurt.
9. “Keep it up, buddy. Keep it up.” What does that even mean? I guess I’m just encouraging chaos—brilliant parenting.
10. “You know what?” This is usually where I hit a wall. I’m so frustrated that I can’t even finish my thought—not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

My kids are now at the age where they chuckle and giggle when I misphrase things or say something utterly ridiculous. Who can blame them? More often than not, I sound like a total goofball. One day soon, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them looked me dead in the eye and said, “Keep it up, Mommy. Keep it up.”

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In summary, parenting can lead to some pretty silly conversations, and sometimes the words that come out of our mouths are downright absurd. But it’s all part of the journey, and we can share a laugh about it along the way.