“Are you a stay-at-home mom?” my 11-year-old niece, Lily, asked earnestly, leaning in closer. Caught off guard, I raised an eyebrow and replied, “Why? What’s it to you? Yes.”
“Wow, that must be nice,” she said, her voice tinged with a wistful desire for that lifestyle.
Next to me was her mother, my sister-in-law, Karen, who had driven us to the mall for a delightful afternoon celebrating my daughter’s birthday. As we made our way home, the car was filled with the chaotic symphony of five boisterous kids in the backseat. The question lingered like that moment of regret when you realize too late that you shouldn’t have asked someone when they’re due.
Before I could respond to Lily’s dreamy notion of stay-at-home motherhood, Karen chimed in, “Well, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.” I appreciated her support and recognition of the effort I’ve put in over the last nine years, but part of me wanted to gently cradle Lily’s face and exclaim, “Yes! It’s incredible!” With two of my kids now in school full-time and the youngest in preschool twice a week, I relish five glorious hours of solitude each week. Sure, I might be meal planning or sorting laundry, but it’s still my time!
Beyond the joys of parenting, there are other benefits to my role. I enjoy peaceful nights of sleep, showering whenever I please, practicing music, diving into books, writing, cleaning (when necessary), jamming out with my band, browsing the library, watching movies before school pick-up, and attempting to cook fancy dinners that my kids will inevitably turn their noses up at. It’s the adult life I always dreamed of!
As I navigate through the fog of sleepless nights, diaper changes, and toddler tantrums, I’m slowly starting to see a glimmer of light. Admitting that feels risky though—what if Karen views me differently? She’s managed to juggle both children and a career, which I admire deeply. But the endless debates between stay-at-home moms and working moms echo in my mind, and I shudder at the thought of the vitriol women have directed at each other online, typing furiously, “This is the way to do it!” “No, THIS is the way!”
I explained to Lily that after I finished college, I planned to have kids and figure out my career once they were in school. Now that my youngest is about to enter kindergarten full-time, I actually do have career aspirations—ones that evolved thanks to my experiences as a mother. Ironically, I might not have discovered my professional path if I hadn’t embraced motherhood first. That’s just how my journey unfolded.
As I voiced this, I realized how similar Karen and I are. In that car, we weren’t racing against each other; we were side by side. We had the same goals that day: indulge in overpriced stuffed animals, munch at the food court, ride the merry-go-round, buckle the kids into their seats, drive home, tuck them in, and relish a moment of peace.
While it used to worry me—debating who was right, the stay-at-home mom or the working mom—on that drive home from the mall, I learned a valuable lesson: we’re not in a competition for the title of “Best Parent.” We’re all part of the same carpool, each of us striving to guide our kids to their destinations, ready to lend a hand when needed and supporting each other’s choices, even when they differ. So no, I’m not racing against you; but if you want to pick up on Tuesday and I’ll handle Thursday, I’m totally on board!
This article was originally published on March 7, 2016.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, Jamie shares a heartfelt conversation with her niece about the realities of motherhood and the misconceptions surrounding stay-at-home versus working moms. Through candid anecdotes, she emphasizes the importance of camaraderie among mothers, reminding us that parenting is more about support and cooperation than competition.