Dear Educator,

home insemination Kit

Hey there! It’s me again—remember the mom who brought those peanut cookies to the holiday party and almost turned it into a medical emergency for two of your students? You were quick on your feet, swooping in to rescue those cookies right before they reached their eager little mouths. And let’s not forget how you had a backup snack ready to go while I was busy trying to regain my breath.

I felt it was necessary to write this letter to clarify a few things about my chaotic mornings. There are days when I wish I could attach a note to my daughter explaining the jelly smeared across her face or why her shirt smells less than fresh. But if I had time to pen a note, her appearance wouldn’t be a fly-attracting disaster in your classroom!

Let me just say, I haven’t always been this hot mess express. There was a time I had it all together, when I didn’t get those sideways glances or the occasional donation of spare change while waiting for the school bus in my pajamas.

I was once a stellar example of motherhood—before I actually became a mom. I’d see those unfortunate kids in the grocery store with wild hair and think, “How do their parents let that happen?” I mean, combing is a straightforward process, right? But then I had kids.

Getting myself and three tiny, emotionally volatile versions of myself out the door each morning feels like a scene from a mob drama. There’s raw emotion, a bit of cursing, and some minor chaos. Finally, I manage to squeeze into my Spanx and turn my attention to the kids.

I start with high hopes, reminding them of the carefully chosen matching outfit I laid out the night before. But every piece of clothing seems to have transformed into a torture device, and suddenly, the clock is racing. Before I know it, we’re all still in our pajamas, collapsed in a heap of tears, and, oh, look—everybody’s shoes are outside in the rain.

“Are you at least wearing underwear?” I yell over my shoulder as we dash out the door, once again late. “You need a buffer between your backside and the world, just in case things go haywire.” I count it as a small victory that she managed to eat breakfast in the car. The jelly stains on her cheek and shirt have become irrelevant to our tardiness.

“Hey, when you said to brush my teeth, did you mean with toothpaste?” she asks as she shuts the van door and bolts into school.

What really gets to me is knowing that this reflects on me. I can only imagine the thoughts swirling in your head about what goes on at home. I’ve seen her interact with her friends at parties and on the playground, and I know she brings a unique brand of chaos to your classroom.

While things can get wild, I assure you we don’t engage in fart competitions, and we definitely don’t raise our legs like a dog when we let one rip. There’s no double-dipping, no name-calling like “toilet diaper poop,” and no random booger-wiping on furniture.

We’ve never gathered around the dinner table, shoving pretzel sticks up our noses and shouting, “Look! I’m a walrus!” before munching on the snacks.

And despite what she may claim, I promise I am feeding her. My kids treat vegetables like a personal affront, and broccoli is a particularly sensitive topic.

So, I want to take a moment to thank you—thank you for not judging me! Thank you for having my back when I brought those cookies. Thank you for reassuring me that these things happen, and for reminding my daughter that tissues are her friend. I appreciate you making sure she has a drink at lunchtime when I forget to pack one. And thank you—I notice the jelly is absent by the time she comes home.

I assure you, I’m doing my best. I may be an overwhelmed mom, but one day we’ll get it together. Every morning when I drop her off, I take a deep breath and remind myself, just like at my gynecologist’s office: This may be chaotic, but I’m certain you’ve seen worse.

In case you’re curious about more resources on home insemination, check out this informative post on intracervical insemination. If you’re looking for expert guidance, Make a Mom specializes in this area. Also, for excellent insights on family-building options, Resolve is a fantastic resource.

To sum it up, I appreciate your patience and understanding as I navigate this chaotic journey of motherhood.